


Breaking Barriers

by feralfansie



Category: Newsies - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, Modern AU, Multi, Spralbert, lgbtq+
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-17 00:07:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 78
Words: 43,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29091015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/feralfansie/pseuds/feralfansie
Summary: 15-year-old Antonio Higgins wants nothing more than to escape the hellhole that is his house. However, what happens when his mom dies, his dad gets arrested, and he gets adopted by a kind-hearted woman named Medda Larkin?
Relationships: David Jacobs/Jack Kelly, Romeo/Specs (Newsies), Spot Conlon/Albert DaSilva/Racetrack Higgins
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	1. prologue

Fuck.

I wake up on the fucking floor. Of course, because I can't go a single night without falling off of the damn bed. I groan as I pull myself back under the thin covers and go to look at the clock across the room. 3:52 am. Sighing, I fall back on my bed and stare at the ceiling. God, I just wish I could get a decent night's sleep for once. Just once would be perfect. Welp, no use tryna get back to sleep now. I roll over and grab my phone, squinting at the blinding light. After hours of mindlessly scrolling through Instagram and Tik Tok, I see the sun start to rise outside my window. I can hear my parents starting to stir downstairs. Time for another beautiful fucking day. Ugh.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: abuse, hints of self-harm

I drag myself out of bed, slightly wincing when my bare feet hit the cold floor. Grabbing a pair of socks so my feet don't freeze off, I scurry downstairs to see my mom making breakfast and my dad watching tv. Lazy bitch. My mom works her ass off all day and he just sits on the couch with a beer. Whatever. I walk over to where my mom is making pancakes.  
"Hey, let me help with that. You should get some rest for once." I whisper to her as I grab the pan. She smiles at me and moves out of the way.  
"Thanks sweetie, you're a gem." She replies, ruffling my hair. Even with her smile and sweet voice, I can tell how stressed she is. Not only does she have to deal with me and my deadbeat dad, but her health has been rapidly declining. I just wish I could make all of her problems go away, she's too kind to deal with this shit. Biting the inside of my cheek, I flip the pancake, having a mini celebration when I get it first try. A few minutes go by, and I transfer the pancake from the pan to a plate, then move to start setting the table, making sure to get it perfect so my dad doesn't scream at me. I grab three plates, forks, knives, and line them up at our seats. I dish the pancakes on the plates and drizzle maple syrup on them. After one last check to make sure everything is in place, I move to the living room where I tell my parents that breakfast is ready. We all take a seat, and I start to pray that breakfast would go smoothly.  
But how could I be so lucky?  
"Goddammit Sofia, did you even try with this shit? This table looks like a mess. God, you're such a slob!" My father snips. My face slightly scrunches at the sound of my deadname, but I hold back the urge to correct him. I'm lucky he lets me cut my hair relatively short. Don't have a clue how he let me do that, but I'm not complaining. (trans race supremacy)  
"I'm sorry dad...I promise I'll do better next time." I reply, meeting his hard eyes.  
"You fucking better. Aw hell, I might as well just punish you now. That'll teach ya somethin, now won't it?" Before I get a chance to protest he moves across the table and grabs the collar of my shirt, throwing me to the ground. "To your room. Now. Don't come out until you need to go to school." I hesitate for a moment before he adds, "Do you want your punishment to continue? Do you want to be beaten to a little pulp? Go to your fucking room." Nodding, I run upstairs to my room and lock myself in. Running my hand through my hair, I try to regulate my breathing. Why did my mom have to marry such a selfish bitch? And why won't she divorce his ass? This is her house, so can't she just kick him out? I brush off the thought and stumble to my closet, picking out a pair of jeans, a black t-shirt, and a belt. After slipping the t-shirt over my head, I look at the bruises and cuts that cover my arms and wonder if a short sleeve shirt is really the best idea. Sighing, I pull out a long-sleeved flannel and put that on over the shirt. Much better. I look over at the clock, which reads 6:30. 15 minutes until I need to catch the bus. Groaning, I flop back on my bed, looking at my popcorn ceiling. If only I could escape this hellhole that I call "home." It doesn't even feel like home anymore. I can't remember the last time I went through a day without my dad screaming at me and hurting me. And my poor mom has to suffer through the same thing. That makes me angrier than whatever he'll do to me. The only mistake she's made in her life was marrying that sick son of a bitch. She doesn't deserve the hell she goes through every day. I look back at the clock. 6:42. Shit. I grab my backpack and quietly make my way downstairs. As soon as I get outside, I run down the street as fast as I can, just barely making the bus on time.


	3. Chapter 3

I practically get shoved into a seat as soon as I get on since the bus driver doesn't wait until I find a seat to lurch the bus forward. Damn. Ignoring the commotion around me, I untangle my earbuds and turn on my playlist, looking out the window. I try to focus on the music instead of the searing pain throughout my body and the homophobic, racist, bitches that surround me.   
A few minutes pass, and soon I get shoved into the front of my seat as the bus comes to a screeching halt in front of the school. How did this bitchass bus driver get his license? I swear he gonna kill one of us one day! I roll my eyes and sling my backpack over my shoulder, exiting the bus. Entering the building, I make an attempt to maneuver my way through the hundreds of students without bumping into anyone or falling on my ass. The only good thing about this rundown school is that no one here makes an effort to interact with me. Other than the teachers, but at least most of them aren't bitches. I grab my books and wade through the mass of students, somehow getting to my classroom without an accident. I plop myself down in the back of the band room, grabbing my trumpet and getting it set up. At least band is bearable. Loud, but bearable.

(time skip because i'm an orchestra kid and i have no clue how band class works)

45 minutes pass and I'm back in the crowd. Next up: Algebra. Fucking hell. Just because I'm good at math doesn't mean I enjoy it. Plus, it's hard to pay attention in class when all you do is watch fatass Mr. Barnes flap his gums for 45 minutes straight. At least I can catch up on some lost sleep, since he never checks in on us. I relax in the back left corner of the class and am about to take a power nap, when I glace at the whiteboard...which reads "Pop quiz today!" Fuck. Guess no nap today. He starts to hand out the paper to the class as I start to mentally prepare myself for the hell I'm about to go through. At least the quiz seems easy enough. He gives us the signal to start, and soon the only sound in the room are pencils scratching on paper, plus the occasional eraser and pencil sharpener. The silence is making my skin crawl. Whatever, just focus on the damn quiz. If you get a bad grade your dad will slap you into next week. Take a deep breath Antonio...

After double-checking and triple-checking my work, I hand in the quiz and slump down in my seat, staring at the cringy posters that line the wall. You'd think teacher would stop hanging those up after elementary school but nope. They've come to haunt me throughout my middle and high school years. My next class is english, which is ok, but the teacher is so positive that it gets on my nerves. And its hard to read when your brain isnt paying attention to the words on the page. I'm the first one in the classroom, which is amazing because I can steal a seat next to the window. The teacher walks in with a huge grin on her face as students file in behind her. English goes by pretty fast, thank fuck. My next class, biology, is my favorite. My teacher is amazing and I'm actually interested in the curriculum. I practically waltz into class and sit near the front for once. This is the only class I'll do that in, because when the teacher calls on me, I'll actually be paying attention. Before class starts, I quickly go over my schedule in my head to determine if I just wanna skip the rest of the day. Lunch, then advisory, and finally history. Eh, I can bear staying for the rest of the day. 

(another time skip bop bop)

Aaaaaaaand we're on the bus again! I'm really not looking forward to going home today. Then again, when am I ever looking forward to going home. I tap my knee to the beat of my music in an attempt to calm myself down. I know if i don't go directly home, the punishment will be unreal. Resting my head against the window, I watch the houses go by until I see my stop. I reluctantly pullmyself out of the seat and off of the bus, starting the walk home. If I'm lucky, my dad will be asleep on the couch when I arrive. I guess mid-day naps are a common occurrence when you're constantly either drunk or hungover. Just gotta pray that I'll luck out, just this once...


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: abuse, disordered eating, implied self-harm

News flash: I wasn't lucky.

As soon as I step foot into my house, the scent of alcohol slaps me in the face. Great. I attempt to navigate around my house without being in my dad's line of sight. Unfortunately, that didn't work as well as I thought it would.  
"Where do ya think you're goin, huh?" I stop dead in my tracks as I hear my dad's gravely voice from the living room. "Answer me!" He barks out. I take a deep breath before responding.  
"T-to my room...I was going to start on my homework..." I try to control the shakiness in my voice, which doesn't really work, but it was worth a try. I think.  
"Fuck no you're not. Get over here girly. Now." I'm not a fucking girl, goddammit. I reluctantly walk into the room where he is, trying not to show my fear. Your fear will only make him stronger, Antonio. You can't let him know. He grabs me by the arm and pulls me close to him, allowing me to smell the vodka on his breath. The scent makes me want to hurl, but I keep a straight face, now allowing him to see my pain and fear. His grip on my arm tightens for a moment before I get thrown to the ground, my back hitting the cold, hardwood floor. I prop myself up on my forearms in an attempt to stabilize myself, but that plan quickly falls through as his foot connects with my ribs. He hurls different insults and slurs at me, but all of the words are mashed together and I can't understand what he's saying. He gradually puts more and more pressure into his foot, making it harder and harder for me to breathe, before grabbing me by the leg and slamming me into the wall, nearly knocking me out on impact. The rest was a blur...

  
I wake up a few hours later to the feeling of ice on my cheek and the sound of my mom gently whispering my name. My real name. She's the only person in this fucked up world that doesn't use my deadname. She's the flashlight that guides me through this tunnel of hell and darkness that I live through. Once my eyes come into focus, I see her gentle face staring at me in worry, which softens to a gentle smile once she sees that I'm awake. My eyes dart around the room. I'm no longer in the living room, but rather in my own room and on my bed. The sun is starting to set, disappearing behind the trees as the sky transforms into a blast of warm colors. Sunset was always my favorite time of day. It was just so beautiful, and it was always a constant in this rocky life. No matter how hard I was beaten or how sick I was, the sunset would always be there.  
I feel the icepack change places on my head, which brings me out of my daydream. I start to feel the bandages plastered across my skin, itching with every tiny move I make. We just sit there in silence for a bit before she reaches into her bag and pulls out a water bottle, as well as a granola bar.  
"It's not much, but I figured it'd be better than nothing, right?" I nod in response, taking the items from her. "I would make you dinner, but your father specifically told me not to give you anything to eat tonight, and it's pretty hard to sneak a whole meal upstairs without him noticing." She gently runs her hand through my blond curls and I lean into her touch. God, what would I do without her?  
"Thanks momma," I start, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. "This is more than enough, don't worry." She cocks an eyebrow at that. "Really, Momma, it is. I had a big lunch." It hurts to lie to her, but she already has enough stress in her life, she doesn't need to stress about my eating habits as well. We sit in silence for a little longer, but this kind of silence doesn't make my skin feel like it's covered in bugs. This kind of silence is...comforting. In a weird way, but still comforting. Maybe it's because I actually care about the person with me, unlike at school, where I wish everyone would die in a hole filled with their own shit and piss. My mom takes a deep breath before breaking the silence.  
"Well, I don't want your father to get suspicious, so I better get going. He doesn't want you to leave your room, so text me if you need something." She places a gentle kiss on my forehead, making sure not to press too hard due to the bruises and cuts that litter my face. "Love you Antonio. Try to get a good nights sleep, it'll help you recover faster." Yeah...I already know that's not gonna happen. It's not that I don't try, it's just that the nightmares prevent me from getting a decent amount of rest. She flashes that soft smile before exiting. I flop back on my head, ignore the searing pain that runs through my body after. I turn to reach for my phone when a glint of silver catches my eye. It's a razor. I'm surprised my mom didn't confiscate it like she usually does. I guess she didn't see it. Sitting up, I reach over and grab the razer, folding it in my hands for a bit, trying to make up my mind. I guess I'll be wearing long sleeves again tomorrow...


	5. Chapter 5

The next morning went as all of them usually go. I wake up in the middle of the night, scroll through social media for hours, go downstairs and help mom with breakfast, get sent to my room while eating breakfast because my dad is a selfish asshole, and then go to he- I mean school.  
When I got home, I was actually lucky for once! My dad was out gambling with some friends and he wouldn't be back until late at night. I'm not sure how a dickhead like him has real friends, but I guess anything is possible. I enter the living room to see my mom sprawled out across the couch watching some cheesy soap opera. As much as I despise cheesy shit like that, seeing her finally relax is worth the pain. I sit down in a nearby armchair, swinging my right leg over the arm and tucking the left leg under me. (he's gay, he can't sit in chairs correctly.) Pulling out my laptop, I set it in my lap and get to work on an essay for English.   
"So...how was your day?" My mom suddenly blurts out, making me slightly jump at the sudden noise. "We never get to talk about what happens at school, and I really wanna know, Toni." I crack a small smile at the nickname, gender euphoria searing through my body.  
"Eh, nothing interesting. We got to dissect a frog in bio, so that was pretty cool." She gags at that.  
"Damn, that's disgusting. Did you actually enjoy that?" She chuckles, sitting up.  
"I mean, considering how boring school usually is, yeah!"  
"You are a strange, strange child. Have you eaten?" She reaches over and tosses me a bag of chips and a bottle of water. "I can make you something if you need more. I know you didn't eat breakfast."  
"Thanks Momma..." I mumble, opening the bag of chips. "I don't need anything else."  
"Are you sure? I highly doubt you ate lunch." I didn't, but she doesn't need to know that. I nod in response and she sighs.  
"Well don't stuff yourself, sweetie. I just hope you ate lunch. I'm pretty sure you're required to eat something." I skipped the second half of school so...no. She ruffles my hair, placing a small kiss on the top of my head before laying back down. As I finish my homework, she finishes the soap opera, which turned out to not be as bad as I thought it would be. For once, the Higgins household is peaceful...


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw: fighting, panic attack, mention of blood

...But of course that didn't last.

After a few hours of glorious peace and quiet, my dad had to barge in drunk and ruin it all. Typical! You could hear him before you could see him; the slam of the door and the slurred curses he'd yell making my stomach drop. Then, you could smell him; the alcohol scent that covered his body like a nasty cologne. I didn't stick around long enough to see him stumble into the living room. As soon as that scent hit my nose, I ran.

(Panic attack starts here)

I ran up to my room and locked myself in, avoiding another beating. Skipping dinner wouldn't be that bad. It's not like I get much anyway. I lean my head up against my door and slide to the ground. I can hear the fighting going on downstairs, making me sick to my stomach. As soon as I hear a crash from the kitchen, most likely a pot or a pan, I grab my headphones and shove them into my ears, trying to control my breathing. A rush of color arrives on my face as my heart started to race and I started to feel dizzy and nauseous. The music becomes louder and louder in my ears, despite the fact that I haven't touched the volume. It eventually becomes too much and I rip them out, letting a slight sob escape with the movement. I fall back against the wall, unable to stabilize myself, as my body begins to shake uncontrollably. It gets harder and harder to breathe as my throat gradually closes. I don't even notice that my fingernails are digging into my arms until I start to notice a tiny bit of blood coming from that area. A million thoughts zoom through my head at once. My chest starts to ache as tears stream down my face, quiet sobs escaping my lips. Come on Toni, 4-7-8. Remember what mom taught you? You can't rely on her all the time. Breathe in for four, hold for seven, breathe out for eight. 

(Panic attack ends here)

I keep repeating the breathing pattern as I slowly regain control over my body. The tears and the shaking start to stop. My throat opens and my heart stops racing. My chest pain slowly fades away with the rush of color. The fighting downstairs had stopped a while ago. It pains me to think about how it ended, but I have to try not to focus on that. I use my bedframe to help me stand and maneuver myself onto my bed. I grab a bottle of water from my nightstand, my mom must've left it there. God, I don't deserve her. I climb under the covers and close my eyes. I know I'm not going to be able to get to sleep, but my eyelids were heavy from the...incident earlier. I lay there for a few minutes, allowing myself to recharge. My eyelids became heavier and heavier by the minute. OK, maybe I am sleeping...


	7. Chapter 7

I spend the weekend how I spend most weekends.

How is that, you may ask?

Trapped in my room and only leaving it to go to the bathroom. And maybe a shower, but that's not guaranteed. I usually complete schoolwork during this time, since pretty much all of my teachers seem to think that they're the only teacher in this damn school that assigns homework. At least it gives me something to do while I avoid the selfish bitch that is my dad. I can't believe I have to be related to this motherfucker. It puzzles at how we're related in the first place. Not only do we act completely different, but we don't look alike whatsoever. His hair is pin straight and is the color of dark chocolate, while my blonde curls completely contrast it. While my eyes shine an icy blue, his are the color of shit, which perfectly depicts his personality. Ha.

Honestly, it's a fucking relief that I don't look anything like my dad. It slightly lessens the fear of me turning into him. Not really though. My biggest fear is turning into that sick son of a bitch. That's why I steer clear of relationships. It's not like anyone wants me though. I mean, who would want to date the mentally ill, abused, trans kid? Then again, I don't plan on making it to 18, sooo...

My mom would often come up to my room, though she never stayed long. Probably because my dad watches her like a hawk most of the time. She's the only reason I was able to eat or drink over the weekend. My dad must have been at the bar Saturday night, because my mom was in my rooms for hours, just holding me. I fell asleep in her arms that night. In the morning, she was gone. To no surprise, but it stung a little. She brought me pasta that night, which taste amazing, but I didn't eat much of it. It felt horrible, knowing that she worked so hard on cooking and giving me food, and then I barely ate any of it. She doesn't deserve a piece of shit son like me. I just wish the two of us could run away from this rundown town and finally live a happy life. We'd finally be fucking free.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: death, mini panic attack. shit goes down my friend

I guess her idea of "free" was different than mine.

During English on Monday, I get called down to the office. A chorus of "Oooooo someone's in trouble!!" surrounds me as I walk out of my class. I can feel my face heating up, but I ignore it. I couldn't be in trouble, could I? I was usually a pretty good kid, except for the fact that I almost always skip my last classes of the day. Fuck, did I get caught? 

Luckily, I wasn't in trouble. But the reason I was called down was so, so much worse. I walk into the main office, which somehow always smelled like mint. The secretary gives me a sad smile before shattering my heart. 

"Welcome Sofia." I feel my jaw clench at my deadname. Is it that hard to call me Antonio? Most of my teachers do. "I'm so sorry, you brought your bags right?" Bitch are you blind? I clearly have my backpack slung over my shoulder. 

"Yes..." I start. "Why was I called down here? Am I getting suspended?" The secretary chuckles at that.

"Oh no honey, you're not in trouble." It feels as if a weight has been lifted off of my chest. "Your mother was just rushed to the hospital due to a heart attack. She's alright now but I suggest you go over there." Aaand the weight is back, but it's wayy heavier than before. Fuck, I can't lose her! How the hell am I going to get over there? There's no way in HELL I'm getting in a car with my dad. I nod and sprint out of the office. I think I have some spare money for a bus ticket...

I'm in the waiting room now, my body shaking and my leg bouncing. As soon as I get called in, I run as fast as I can to her room. My heart breaks at the sight in front of me. She's covered in tubes and she's bleeding from her head, probably from falling. But she still manages to muster the energy to flash that sweet smile.

"A-Antonio..." she croaks, causing the pit in my stomach to grow. I run to her side, trying to hold back tears.

"M-mama please." She gently starts stroking my hair.

"I'll be alright baby."

"No it won't! What do you-"

She cuts me off. "Remember, always do what your father says. Don't upset him. Remember to eat as much as you can. I love you..." She hands me the locket that she always wears around her neck. "Take care of this for me. It was my grandma's, then my mom's, then mine, and now...it's yours." I fasten it around my neck. It feels so wrong. She takes my hand and places a small kiss on it.

And we stay like that for a few hours. We chat about funny memories in an attempt to distract ourselves. To no surprise, my dad never stopped by. What an asshole. She doesn't have any family left other than my dad and I, so it was just us and the doctors. It was going pretty okay actually. Her heart was beating at a good rate and she didn't have any trouble breathing...

...For the most part. Like every other good thing in my life, it had to come crashing down. Three hours later, her heart rate went out of control and then started to slow down. 

"I'll always love you, Toni." Those were her last words. Her grip on my hand loosens as I scream so hard that my throat feels like it's on fire. The rush of color is back to my face and it feels like my throat is closing. The only good thing in my life just left me. The walls feel like they're caving in around me. Eventually, it gets so hard to breathe that I pass out against the cold hospital floor.

I wake up in a small room and on a bed. I guess the nurses moved me to a free hospital room until I became conscious again. Grabbing the locket around my neck, tears start to fall as all of the events from earlier came flooding back to me. A nurse who looked to be in her early 30s walks in with some tissue and a bottle of water, which I take gratefully.

"I'm so sorry, kid. I can't imagine what it must be like to lose a parent, especially when you're this young." I hum in response, taking a sip of the water. 'Are you hungry? I know hospital food isn't the greatest tasting food in the world but it's better than nothing." I shake my head. I just want to go home and hide under my covers for the rest of my life. 

A few minutes later I start the long walk home, not wanting to waste the small amount of money I have left. Instead of going in through the front door, I climb in through the window to my room. Flopping on my bed, I stare at the ceiling for hours, allowing everything to register in my brain. I guess half of my wish came true...mom's free now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry, it had to be done. i promise it'll get happy,,,soon. we gotta get through the heavy shit first


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: mention of abuse, mention of blood/injuries

It's been a few weeks since my mom passed away. The treatment from my dad has gotten worse than I could ever imagine. I've had to miss so many days of school because I couldn't move. I ended up having to drop out so that I could satisfy my dad's needs. Luckily, I've been able to teach myself using youtube and books from the library. The library has become my safe place, which is weird because reading has never been a strong suit. It's not that I don't like it, I love to read. It allows you to travel to different worlds while staying exactly where you are. I just can never pay attention to the words on the page. It's annoying, I just want to be able to read without going over the same page five times. I love the library though. It's always calm and it was an endless supply of stories. I've become good friends with the librarian as well. She's a sweet lady, always checking in on me and recommending new books every time I come in. She's the first real friend I've had. Of course, I can only go to the library when my dad is out drinking or gambling. Thankfully for me, he's been doing that a lot more recently.

But one night, he came home unexpectedly early while I was still at the library. I'm sure you all know where this is going. I don't want to get into detail here, but let's just say I ended up with a shit ton of blood on me, a nice shiner, a dislocated shoulder, and a sprained wrist. That was the worst beating of my goddamn life, and there was no one to help me...

...or so I thought.

At around 10 pm I hear a knock on the front door. My dad was passed out in an armchair so I had to answer it. To my surprise and fear, I was faced by three police officers. I never called the police, and my dad certainly wouldn't call the police on himself, so why are they here? The tallest officer kneels down in front of me.

"Hey, kid. My name is Officer Harbringer, and these are Officer Bennet and Officer Gonzalez." The three officers flash their badges. "Where's your father?" I point a shaky finger over to the armchair where my dad is. "Thanks, kid. Don't worry, you're in good hands." He nods towards the other officers. Harbinger and Gonzalez walk into the living rooms while Bennet leads me outside, sitting me down on the front steps. She smiles at me before pulling out a notebook.   
"Officer Bennet. You're Sofia Higgins, correct?"

"I prefer Antonio..." I croak out, and she nods. 

"Antonio. Got it." She shifts in her seat. "Now, Antonio, do you know why we were called here?" I shake my head. "I'm sure you do. Do you mind telling me about your father? How has he been treating you?" I don't know what to say. "No one else is going to know this information except for you and me." I know that's a lie, but I muster up the courage to answer.

"W-well...he likes to yell. A lot. And he has a really short temper..." I spill my guts to the officer, and she scribbles down everything I say. She soon nods, thanking me, and goes back inside the house. She told me to stay out here, so I do. A few minutes pass and I soon see my dad being escorted out of my house in handcuffs. I run over to the cop car that he's being shoved in. Officer Gonzalez tells me to pack my things and come with him, so I do. 

I'm fucking terrified.


	10. Chapter 10

A few months have passed, and I was nowhere near prepared for the hell that I was gonna go through with foster homes. It's been a while, so let's do a quick recap, shall we? Over the course of 3 months, I was placed into 4 different foster homes. All of them were hell in their own way. Let's see...

Up first, we have the Jorgensons. They were fine people, but they obviously weren't prepared for a child. It always felt like I was walking on needles over there, and they were always pestering me. I was only there for 2 weeks before they got rid of me. Not surprising.

Next, we have the Handers. They weren't physically abusive, but fucking hell were they mentally abusive. Always blaming me for shit, always yelling at me, that fun stuff. Plus, they told me to just "get over" everything that happened to me. Like, what the fuck? I'm not just gonna get over my mom's death and my dad's abuse! I snapped at them for that and I was gone the next day.

After that would be the Felicianos. Living with them wasn't much different than living with my dad, except for the fact that they didn't abuse me. The only reason I got taken out of that house was because they never put me in school.

And lastly, the Waterhouses. I was the personal slave to their huge family. And by huge, I mean HUGE. In that house, we had the parents, three daughters, four sons, and me. Never got a moment of peace in that damn household. One night, the dad broke a beer bottle over my head and I was soon taken out.

And now I'm waiting for the next family to come and pick me up. The Larkins. Maybe I'll actually get a loving family for once! ...Nevermind that doesn't sound right. It'll probably just be another shitty family that I'll be ripped away from in a few weeks. I see a woman walk through the door with a file in hand. Behind her are two teenage boys, looking to be about 17 and 15. At least this time I'll be with siblings that are around my age. I try to eavesdrop on the conversation happening between the woman and the person behind the counter.

"You're here for Antonio Higgins, correct?"

"Yes"

"So you're Miss Medda Larkin, correct?"

"Mhm"

"Great. He's right this way."

Shit. Here we go again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> medda's coming to save the day like the queen she is


	11. Chapter 11

I can feel my heart thumping in my chest as the four of them walk over to me. I try to analyze them better to see if there are any signs of danger. The woman, who I assumed to be Miss. Larkin was wearing a bright pink dress and had a soft smile on her face. It looked too similar to my mom's, which broke me. She seemed excited to be here. The older boy had paint all over his hands and clothes, and messy black hair. The younger boy was a blonde with forearm crutches and his face was littered with freckles. He seemed super happy, his smile stretching across his whole face. Suddenly, they appear right in front of me, and I try my best to avoid eye contact. My hand started gripping the locket, which held a picture of my mom and me. The picture originally had my dad in it as well, but I cut that bitch out.

"Antonio." the receptionist's voice brought me out of my daydream. "This is your new foster family, the Larkins." I reluctantly bring my eyes up to look at them. The three of them don't look anything like each other, so maybe the kids are foster kids as well? They were all smiling at me, so that made me feel slightly wanted. I know that feeling won't last long. "You'll be living with Medda and her two kids, Jack and Charlie." He gestured to each person as he introduced him. "You have all of your belonging with you, correct?" I nod my head, pointing at my backpack. I don't have many belongings. "Perfect. Medda just needs to fill out some paperwork and you'll be on your way. Maybe you should start to bond with your new brothers. You'll be living together, after all." With that, he spins on his heel and leaves, Medda right behind him. The two boys turn to me and I drift my gaze away from them. Please don't try to talk to me, please don't try to talk to me, please don't try-

"So...Antonio, right?" Fuck. I nod, still not looking at them. The older one kneels next to me. "Well, you don't gotta be scared." Wow! My fears are gone now! I wish it was that easy. "Charlie and I were both in your position once, and now we're happier than ever. Medda truly works wonders." I flinch as he puts his hand on my shoulder. He takes that as a warning and slowly removes his hand. "Sorry 'bout that." Before he can get another word out, Medda returns and tells us that it's time to leave. She tells Jack and Charlie to go ahead and get in the car, waiting behind for me. She keeps trying to talk to me as we walk together, but I'm really not paying attention to anything she has to say. I could not care less about the "they're so happy to have me here" or "this will always be a safe place" bullshit. We pile into the car, Medda, and Jack in the front and Charlie and me in the back. I turn to look out the window. Isn't my life just so fucking peachy?


	12. Chapter 12

After about an hour of being in the car, we finally arrive at the house. Not gonna lie, it's a pretty nice house. Without a word, I stumble out of the car, grabbing my bags. Medda smiles at me, then turns to Jack.

"Jack, will you show Antonio to his room?" He nods and walks over to me. We walk in silence. I guess he finally got the hint that I'm not interested in talking to him or anyone else in this damn house. After I put my bags on my bed, he shows me around the house, showing me shit like where the bathroom is. Thanks, but I can figure this shit out myself. 

He soon leaves me alone to unpack. I only have one backpack of belongings, so the unpacking process goes pretty quickly. Just a few articles of clothing, a few books, and some miscellaneous items. My clothes don't even take up 1/4th of the closet. This is the first time I've had a real closet since I was living with my biological parents. I leave the items in my backpack and shove the bag in the closet. Then, I flop on my new bed. There's no popcorn ceiling for me to stare at this time, which made me kinda sad. 

After a few hours of staring at my ceiling and my phone, Medda comes in unannounced and without knocking. She sits down on the edge of my bed and I scoot down to the opposite side. She stares at me and smiles as if waiting for me to say something. When she finally realizes that I'm not going to start the conversation, she takes matters into her own hands.

"So...do you like your room, Antonio? I know it's bland now but you can decorate it however you want." She starts. I just stare at her and she sighs. "I know that this is new and scary, and we'll give you as much time as you need to get settled in. Are you hungry? I'm about to start dinner and I'd love it if you could join us." I shake my head. "Well, I'll save some for you. Promise me you'll eat something tonight?" I just stare at her, blankly. I can't promise shit. I don't even trust her! She sighs again. "Well, I'll leave you alone. I know you don't wanna be around me right now. I'm sure you'll love it here eventually." And with that, she leaves. Yeah, like that's gonna happen. If everything goes according to plan, I'll barely have to see them.


	13. Chapter 13

The next morning, I wake up to a gentle knock on my bedroom door. I drag myself out of bed and over to the door. When I open it, I see Charlie standing there with a stack of chocolate chip pancakes and a huge grin on his face. I felt kinda bad looking at him try to carry the plate while using his crutches, but he didn't seem bothered by it. He holds the plate out to me, waiting for me to take it.

"For me?" I question. There's a reason I didn't come down for dinner last night. What makes you think I want pancakes? He nods.

"Yep! We wanted to make something for you to welcome you into our home! And what better first breakfast then Medda's chocolate chip pancakes? They're amazing, Antonio. Trust me!" He seemed really passionate about these damn pancakes. I slowly take the dish from him and his smile grows twice as big, spreading like butter across his face. (See what I did there)

He leaves and I sit back down on my bed, staring at the pancakes. Reluctantly, I take a bite. To my surprise, Charlie was right! They're delicious! They remind me too much of my mom's pancakes, though, which brings tears to my eyes. I'm actually able to eat a decent amount without feeling guilty. But that feeling soon returns when I can't bring myself to finish the plate. I mean, she made these just for me. I set the plate on the bedside table. I'll finish it later...maybe.

After about an hour, I get called downstairs. I bite my lip, worried that I already fucked up. But when I arrive, Medda's waiting for me with a smile. She gestures for me to sit next to her, and I follow. In her hand, there are a few folders, probably full of files about me.

"So, Antonio." she started wrapping an arm around my shoulders. I guess she didn't notice me tensing up, because her arm stays there. "Did you enjoy my pancakes?" I nod and she smiles. "I'm glad. There are just a few things that we need to sort out. " I bite my lip again. "Don't worry! You're not in trouble. It's just a few legal things." I exhale as she removes her arm."First things first: school." I haven't gone there in months. "In September, you'll start out as a sophomore at Union High." What kind of a name is that? "Jack is two years older than you, but Charlie is in the same grade, so you won't be alone." Yeah, right. We go over more legal things for the next half-hour, and then we're done with that shit. Thank god. I start to get up and leave, but Medda stops me.

"Please don't go up to your room. How are you going to enjoy living here if you never interact with us? I understand that you're still getting adjusted, but the three of us want to be with you every step of the way." There are a few beats of silence before she adds on, "It's game night!" That got my attention. As much as I hate spending time with whatever family I get put with, I've always enjoyed games and how they seemingly bring people together.

"Y-yeah I'll be there." She seems overjoyed at that.

"Amazing! We have game nights every Saturday. It'll be so much fun, just wait and see!" And she makes her exit. She doesn't want me to go back to my own room, apparently, so I stay at the kitchen table, subconsciously picking at the skin beside my nails. Maybe this house won't be as bad as I thought...


	14. Chapter 14

Game night comes way sooner than expected. Before the games happened, we ate dinner. I felt like I was being forced to stay at the table with everyone else instead of hiding in my room, even though no one said anything of the sort. It amazed me that they were actually laughing with each other, rather than fighting or eating in silence. They actually seemed to enjoy each others company, which is something I haven't seen or felt in a long time. I didn't talk or eat much, but it wasn't as horrible as I expected. 

And then came the games. When dinner was finished, Medda went into the room next to the dining room, I assumed that it was the living room, and brought out many boxes of many different games, setting them in the center of the table.

"Pick a game, boys!" She sat back in her chair while Jack, Charlie, and I made a mini-triangle, trying to decide what to play. Obviously, I didn't say anything to contribute, but Jack and Charlie decided on Uno, so I nodded. 

I have no fucking clue how to play Uno.

Medda put the rest of the boxes back while Jack started dealing out the cards. "You know how to play, right Antonio?" I but the inside of my cheek and dropped my head.

"It's fine if you don't, we can teach you!" Charlie interjected. Jack nodded in response, handing me my stack of cards. "Ok so..."

After a few minutes, I finally got the hang of it. Medda was standing in the doorway, watching the three of us have a practice round. Eventually, she returned to her seat at the table, grabbing seven cards for herself. 

A few hours later, Jack and I are losing our shit as Charlie playfully yells at Medda for making him draw 4. For once, I felt like I belonged somewhere. After we played too many games to count, Medda said that it was late and we needed to go to bed. We all head up to our rooms. I flop on my bed with a sigh. I guess this family won't be so bad after all. Maybe I can actually stay here for more than a few weeks...

No. NO. Scratch that. Antonio, you fucking dumbass! They just want to build up your trust so they can hurt you! I turn over and start punching my pillow. GOD. FUCKING. DAMMIT! Eventually, I fall forward onto my pillow, which drowns out my sobs. I'm not sure if the tears are from sadness or frustration, but I don't give a flying fuck.


	15. Chapter 15

I guess I wasn't as quiet as I hoped I was, because a few moments later, there was a gentle knock on my door. I assumed that it was Medda, and I did not want her to see me like this, so I didn't move from my spot on the bed. The knocking came again, louder this time, and I realized that I wasn't getting out of this one. Fuck, she's gonna realize how fucked up I am and she's gonna ship me away! Biting my lip, I go to open the door. Sure enough, Medda was standing in the hallway with a concerned look on her face.

"Can I come in sweetie?" I don't really have a choice in the matter, so I nod and move out of the way. She sits on my bed and motions for me to sit next to her. I sit on the opposite side of the bed. "Are you alright? I could hear you taking out your anger from down the hall." I tensed up. "You're not in trouble! Don't worry! I just wanted to check in on you and help if I can." Turning away, I force back tears. I can't cry in front of her. Not yet. Medda places a comforting hand on my back, quickly removing it when I flinch. "It's okay, I'm not gonna hurt you baby." Yeah, right. "Do you want to share what's wrong? You don't have to if you don't want to." When I finally look at her, her face is genuine. I take a few deep breaths, turning my head to look at the floor. Do I really wanna spill my guts to her? I've only been here a few days. I bring my legs to my chest, burying my face in my knees. "I'm here to help, not hurt. Please tell me what I need to do to help you." She sounded like she meant it, but I was still debating it. It was as if the voices in my head were having a war, and there was no sign of which side would win.

Before I can stop myself, I let out a sob. Then another one. And another. The work I was putting in to prevent the tears from falling was useless, as they started to stream down my face like a waterfall. I can't stop them. Medda scoots closer but still keeps her space. 

"It's okay...let it out..." she attempts to comfort me without getting too close. Her words don't help. "Are you okay with me touching you? I'm better at consoling people that way, and I have no intention to hurt you." My body acts before my brain can tell it to stop, and the next thing I know, I'm wrapped in an embrace. "See?" She says as she rubs circles on my back. "I don't wanna hurt you, honey." My brain is screaming danger, but my body doesn't move. 

Despite the voices in my head yelling at me, the touch is comforting. Before I know it, the tears are controllable, and I pull away. There's a huge wet spot on her shirt from my tears. "S-sorry..." I wipe my face.

"Don't apologize for being human, Antonio. Crying is normal, and it's healthy."

"I...I just..."

And there I am, venting to the woman that I've only known for a few days. Once again, my brain is yelling at me to stop, but my mouth just keeps going. What the hell happened? Just this morning I was trying to stay away from her, and now I'm crying in her arms and telling her my damn life story? I finally regain control and stop venting. "I'm sorry, you don't need to know all that..."

She shakes her head. "Again, don't apologize. If you need someone to vent to, I'm here. So are Jack and Charlie." 

I swallow. "Thank you Medda..."

She nods. "Of course, Toni." 

The nickname makes me want to cry again. The only person who called me Toni was my mom. I muster the energy to smile at Medda before she leaves. Staring at the floor, thoughts swarm through my head at 1000 miles per hour. I run my hands through my hair, contemplating if I made the right decision. I've never vented to anyone before, except for that one cop. But I still hid some things from her. I told Medda my goddamn life story. I really hope I didn't fuck up this one.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: mental breakdown due to dysphoria

To no surprise, I barely slept that night. Most of the night was spent staring at the ceiling, contemplating if I made the right decision. I barely noticed the time passing until I saw a glint of orange light shine through my window. Sunrise. I rest my cheek against the cold window, watching the sky slowly burst into a painting of warm colors. My hands, aching to move and have something to do, started to trace shapes in the condensation. After a few minutes of staring, I moved away from the window, curling up into a ball. My blonde curls fell in front of my face as I dropped my head to my knees with a sigh.

I hear a knock on my door. This is the first family I've been with that's had the decency to knock instead of just barging in. Before I get to the door, I hear Jack's voice shout, "Breakfast is ready!" I guess they didn't want to me hide in my room like I usually do. 

In an attempt to make myself look more presentable, I put on a decent outfit and brush through my curls. Looking in the mirror, I make a face at my chest sticking out. They look and feel like tumors and I just wish I could fucking cut them off. Tears start to prick my eyes, but I shove them back and change the shirt to a hoodie. It helps a little but not much. My hands move to my hips, which are way too curvy to pass as masculine. My hands move to my shoulders, which are nowhere near broad. Now that I have Jack and Charlie to see every damn day, I can't help but compare myself. Why couldn't I be born like that? Why couldn't I have the masculine features I've been craving since I was eight? The tears return, and there's no stopping them this time. My brain continues to point out all of the feminine things on my body. I sink to my knees, being for the pain to stop. But every time I push a word out, I'm reminded of how high-pitched my voice is, which makes it worse. As I run my hands through my hair, I hear Charlie's voice on the other side of the door.

"Hey Toni, ya comin?" Fuck. They can't see me like this.

"Y-yeah, I'll be there i-in a minute." I push out, trying my best to cover up the fact that I've been crying. 

Spoiler alert: it didn't work.

"You alright in there?" Damn. He can see right through me, can't he? "Can I come in?" FUCK. NO. I watch the knob slowly, freezing in fear. I hear the sound of his crutches as he enters, looking around the room. His face drops when he sees me on the ground. "Shit, what's wrong?" The strawberry blond asks as he slowly makes his way over to me. I can't tell him. I can't tell him that I'm trans. He'll hate me forever! He won't want to be seen with me! He'll go and tell Medda and I'll be moved to another home! Or does Medda already know? I'm not sure how much information was in those files...

My thoughts are interrupted by Charlie plopping down next to me. "Hey..." He places a comforting hand on my back. It's a miracle that I don't flinch. Probably because I'm not paying attention to the touch. "you can talk to me, Antonio. What's wrong?" He pauses before adding. "If you're not comfortable with telling me that's fine, but I wanna help you if I can." We sit there in silence as I try to decide whether I should tell him. Aw hell, he's gonna find out anyway. it's better sooner than later.

"W-well..." Fuck. I'm not sure how to do this. I barely know him or how he'll react. The only person I've ever come out to was my mom, and I knew that she'd react positively. Charlie? I have no clue. "Uh.." I can't find the right words to put together.

"Take your time," Charlie says as I finally meet his gaze.

"I...uh.." I take a deep breath before spitting out "Iwasn'tbornaguy." I look of confusion comes across his face. 

"Ok um..say that again...but slower," He says with a hint of humor. I don't laugh.

"I wasn't born a guy..." I repeat. "I guess I just had a mini mental breakdown..ha ha." I try to make light of the situation.

"Ah, dysphoria's a bitch, isn't it?" Now it's my turn to be confused, but I nod. 

"Yeah...it is..." He chuckles.

"Don't worry, Medda and Jack are both super accepting. I know from experience." He says with a wink.

"Wait...do you mean..."

"Yep! I'm like you, dude!" Holy shit! I'm not the only one? This is fucking amazing! I can't help but smile. "So don't worry!" He steadies his crutches on the ground and uses them to help him stand up. "Now, let's get ya cleaned up and then eat breakfast!" He grabs a tissue and hands it to me as I stand up. 

"Thanks, Charlie."

"Of course! Now hurry up! Medda made pancakes again, and I don't want yours to get cold!" And with that, he leaves.

"Maybe living here won't be that awful," I whisper before heading to the bathroom to splash some water on my face. "Yeah, this house is gonna be just fine," I say with a smile before heading downstairs.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> emetophobia warning at the end  
> (if you don't know what that is it's the fear of puke/throwing up)

Once breakfast is finished, Medda puts the dishes in the dishwasher before turning to me.

"So, Toni, I noticed that you don't really have that much clothing..." I mean, she's not wrong, but I don't really like where this is going. "So I was thinking that we could go to the mall today! How does that sound?" I've never been inside a mall before. At least, not for an extremely long time. 

"You don't need to spend your money on me..."

"Nonsense! You're my son!" I guess there really isn't a way of getting out of this.

"Thanks, Medda..."

"Of course! Now, go get ready." I nod and read back to my room. This time I cover up the mirror with a blanket to avoid another breakdown. When I'm finished, I head back downstairs.

"You ready?" I nod. "Perfect! Follow me." She leads me to the garage, which holds two cars. Medda's and Jack's, I assume. She pulls out her keys and presses a button, causing one of the cars to start. We head towards that one. She climbs into the driver's seat as I climb into the passenger seat. I'm kind of shocked that Charlie and Jack aren't coming with us, but I assume they don't need new clothes or anything like that.

Another click of a button and the garage door opens. Soon, we're on the road. I turn to look out of the window, watching the scenery go by. Subconsciously, my thumb is brought up to my mouth and I start to chew on the nail. I've had this habit for as long as I can remember. I know it's not good, but I can't help it. Besides, there are worse habits that I have yet to get into.

After about 20 minutes in the car, Medda pulls into a parking lot. When I look at the building, the first thing that comes to mind is, "Holy shit, this thing is huge." It's definitely a lot bigger than I thought. How many stores are in here? The two of us climb out of the car and Medda leads me to the entrance.

We enter the building, and it's a lot quieter than I was expecting, which is nice. As we travel through the mall, I study every store we pass. There are restaurants, toy stores, clothing stores, and more!

"This way," Medda gestures to me and we head into one of the clothing stores. "Now, go over there," she gestures to the men's section, "and pick out whatever you want!" She pats me on the shoulder before turning to the women's section, looking at a few of the dresses. I reluctantly head over to the men's section, dreading being separated. This store is so huge, what if I get lost? I push down the thought and turn to some of the shirts. After a few moments, there's one that catches my eye. I pull it off of the rack, studying it. It's a black, grey, and white flannel. I turn over the price tag to look at the price. It's not as cheap as I was hoping. Dammit. before I return it to the rack, I hear Medda's voice from behind me.

"You like that one?" She points at the garment in my hands.

"Yeah, but it's not that cheap so I can just-" I get cut off by Medda grabbing the shirt. "Oh, I-"

"Perfect. Go pick another!" She must have sensed my confusion. "What, did you think I would only let you get one shirt?" I bite my lip. "Go pick out a few more items that you like. And don't worry about the price!" 

I reluctantly turn around to look at the other clothes. I notice a pair of black jeans folded up on a stand. Picking them up, I measure them against my body to see if they would fit. They're a little big around the waist, but length-wise they're fine. Considering how oddly-shaped I am, it'll be hard to find things that fit me perfectly. But I'm used to that, so I really don't care. With the jeans in hand, I turn to Medda with a questioning look on my face. She nods and walks over to me, taking the jeans and adding them to a basket. We both stand there for a moment. Does she want me to pick out another garment? I think so. She really doesn't need to be spending this much on me...

A few minutes later, we leave the store with five garments for me and four for her. I feel awful about having her buy that much for me, but she wanted me to get those. I'm expecting for us to leave the mall now, but she turns in the opposite direction of the door.

"Medda, the door is-"

"I know where the door is, honey. We're not done though." I'm shocked, to say the least. She already spent so much on me, and we're not done shopping? "Toni, your current clothes don't even take up half of your closet. You deserve more than that. Also, school's starting soon, remember that." Shit. I forgot. A new school full of assholes that just want to push me around. At least Charlie's in my grade, so I can trust one person.

Medda leads me to a different clothing store. And tells me the exact same thing she told me in the other one. This one has a lot more clothes that I like, so it's hard to only choose a few. But I know I have to keep it small, so I pick out a few shirts and a belt. The prices are way cheaper than the other store, so I feel less guilty. Somehow, we're still not done. How much is this woman gonna spend on my sorry ass? The next store we go to mostly sells shoes. She tells me to pick two pairs and bring them back to her. Jesus fuck this store is expensive! Medda tells me, once again, to not worry about the price, but I can't help it. I leave the store with a pit in my stomach.

Medda checks her watch, which reads 11:48. She turns to me.

"There's a food court downstairs. Wanna grab a quick bite?" She doesn't wait for an answer before leading me down an escalator and to the food court. It smells amazing, but I know I won't eat much. I look around at the different restaurants. Medda leads me to one while telling me how good the food is. She gives me a moment to study the menu. When I tell her that I'm not hungry, she says that we can save it for later. I know exactly what she's doing. My file probably said something about my shitty eating habits, so she's trying to make sure I eat. I order the cheapest thing on the menu.

Before long, our food is ready, and Medda claims a table for the two of us. It looks like she ordered something for Jack and Charlie as well. I force myself to eat a few bites before closing the container and shoving it aside. I look at Medda, who seems concerned.

"Are you sure you don't want more?" 

"I'm sure."

"Okay..." She finishes her plate, grabs our bags, and we leave the food court. We hit two more stores before finally leaving the mall. Once we get to the car, she puts the bags in the backseat before climbing into the driver's seat.

I sigh. "I'm sorry-"

"For what?"

"You spent so much money..."

"I know. And that's okay."

"It's not-"

"Why not?" 

I swallow. "I don't deserve this much."

"Yes, you do. Antonio, why don't you think you deserve clothes? This is really the bare minimum. If I wasn't going to take care of you, why would I be fostering you?" There are a few moments of silence. "Exactly." She reaches over and ruffles my hair before starting the car and pulling out of the parking lot.

The pit in my stomach doesn't leave. I've never been cared for like this before. It's weird, but maybe I'll get used to it. Someday. 

(Emetophobia warning here)

But that someday definitely isn't today. When we're halfway home, Medda has to pull over so I can puke.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi healthy reminder that you are amazing and deserving of love <3

The rest of the ride home goes by in a blur. I know that Medda's talking to me, but I can't make out the words. It feels like I'm underwater and my head is spinning. (the poor GUYS head is spinning-) Before I know it, I slump against the door and everything goes black.

I wake up on the couch with three concerned faces staring at me. I rub my eyes and sit up. The sunlight coming through the window blinds me for a moment before my eyes adjust.

"What happened..." I bite my nails again.

"You threw up and passed out, hun." Medda pipes up. "Are you feeling alright?" 

Jack presses the back of his hand to my forehead. "Jesus, you're burnin up..."

"Let me take your temperature." Medda heads to the bathroom. A few minutes later, she comes back with a thermometer. "I don't think I need to tell you how to use this." I shake my head and take the thermometer from her. It's still in the packaging. I guess she buys a different thermometer for everyone to use. Smart. I stick it in my mouth and place my head in my hands.

A minute or two later, the thermometer beeps, and Medda takes it out of my mouth. "You've got a fever, kid. Most likely, it's just a small fever and nothing more, so you should be feeling better in a few days."

Charlie sits on the end of the couch. He begins to ask me a million questions about symptoms, like, "Do you have a sore throat?" or "Does your stomach or head hurt?" When he's done, he turns to Medda and goes, "Yep! Just a small fever."

Medda turns to me, "Go lay down in your room, sweetie. Resting will help you feel better." I nod and drag myself upstairs. When I get to my room, I notice that someone, probably Medda, has hung up all of the clothes we bought earlier. I can't help but let a small smile appear on my face. It feels nice to have someone legitimately care about you. 

I climb into bed and lean against the wall. I don't get sick often, so I'm not used to feeling like shit. My eyes flutter closed, the only sounds in the room being my breathing and the occasional cough. About an hour later, I decide that I want to get some fresh air real quick. I remember Jack telling me that there was a staircase that lead to the roof when he was showing me around, so I head to the staircase and onto the roof.

Once I'm up there, I can hear faint music. I turn my head to see Jack painting something that I can't see from my angle. The music is coming from his phone. I stare at him working for a few minutes before he turns his head my direction, finally noticing me.

"Antonio! I didn't see ya there." He puts his brush down and turns to me. "Feeling any better?" I nod and he returns his gaze to his painting for a moment before turning back to me. He pats the area next to him, geasturing for me to sit next to him. I move to the area slowly, sitting on my knees. I study his painting, which is a picture of the stars. Holy shit, he's fucking talented. I wish I had some kind of talent to show off.

He starts to work on the painting again. I've always had a special interest in space. i don't know what it is, but the stars and the planets and everything else out there always interested me.

"Did you know that when you look at any object in space you are seeing how it looked in the past?" I mutter.

Jack turns his head to me. "What'd you say? Couldn't hear ya."

I repeat the fact, and he cracks a small smile.

"Damn."

I start stimming with my left hand, moving my fingers like they're typing on an invisible keyboard. "Yeah! Like, the Sun appears as it was 8.5 minutes ago. The view of Alpha Centauri is 4.3 years old, while the appearance of Sirius is more than 8 years old!" I'm doing the typing thing with both hands now. Talking about space really makes me happy, and I never get to do it.

Jack lets out a hum in response, and notices me stimming. I guess he realizes that talking about this subject makes me happy, so he goes, "Got any other space facts for me?"

At first, I'm shocked. No one ever wants to listen to me when I talk about a hyperfixation of mine. They always tell me to shut up. My small smile turns into a huge grin.

"Well, did you know that the larger a star is, the shorter it's lifespan is? A massive star may live only tens of millions of years, while a cool dwarf will shine for billions of years." I say. "Or that the oldest accurately dated star chart appeared in ancient Egyptian astronomy in 1534 BC?" He actually seems interested in what I'm saying, so I continue. "Astronomers estimate there are a trillion stars in the Milky Way Galaxy! And there are at least 10 billion trillion stars in the universe! Like, there's so much out there that we haven't seen, and that's so cool!" I look up at the setting sun in the sky. "Our sun was formed 4600 million years ago and is expected to live a total of 10,000 million years! And it constitutes 99% of the total mass of our solar system!"

Jack chuckles. "You sure do know a shit ton about space."

"Oh sorry-"

"Nononono it's fine! You seem happy, and I'm interested. It's a win-win. Keep going if you want, but I won't force you into anything."

The smile returns to my face. "Astronomers hypothesize that if you could taste the dust from the nebula that gave birth to our sun, it would taste like raspberries!"

He snorts. "Please don't eat the nebula dust."

I giggle. "You can't stop me!" 

"Welp, good luck with that endevor."

I lay flat on my back. Right now, it feels like we've known each other our whole lives. There's no awkwardness or anxiety or anything of the sort.

"NASA renamed sizes of early condom-based toilets from "S, M and L" into "large, gigantic and humongous" because the male astornoauts' ego would make them always grab L, regardless of the real size." This causes both of us to wheeze.

And that's how we spent the rest of the night. Jack would paint, and I would tell him a shit ton of space facts. Soon, he checks his watch, and tells me that it's best for us to go inside now. And suddenly, I'm looking at the Larkin family in a whole new perspective. A smile comes across my face again. Everything will be alright, Antonio. It'll be just fine.

My thoughts are interrupted by a voice form downstairs 

"Antonio! Dinner's ready!"


	19. Chapter 19

Flash forward a few weeks, and I'm still staying with the Larkins. This is the longest time I've stayed in a foster home so far. I've come to discover that the Larkin's aren't bad people. They're actually really fucking amazing. I don't ever want to leave, but I know I don't have much of a say in that matter. However, it's September now, which means a new issue is rising.

School.

Tomorrow I'm going to be shoved in a building full of people that have known each other their entire lives, and I don't know a single one of them. Except for Charlie and Jack., but Jack isn't even in the same grade as me, and Charlie probably already has a friend group and will want nothing to do with me. So that's fun. I'm used to being ignored at school anyway, so it's really not that big of a deal. Last week, Medda took the three of us to a few stores to get school supplies. The white backpack in the corner of my bedroom is taunting me. Welp, there's no getting out of it. It's best to just attempt to sleep. It'll fine, Antonio. Just breathe...


	20. Chapter 20

And here we are. The first day. Yaaaayy....ugh. The morning goes like most mornings have been going in the Larkin household: wake up, get dressed, eat breakfast with everyone, and finish getting ready. I'm not taking the bus this time, which is good, because the bus is fucking awful. Everyone's always throwing shit at each other and breathing down your fucking neck. I'm so thankful that Jack has a car and can drive us. At least I won't have to deal with that anymore.

A few weeks ago, I was given a tour of the school. I have to admit, it's a pretty nice school. It's a lot bigger than my old school, and it obviously has a lot more funding. I remember looking at the different posters, plaques, and pictures that have been scattered across the walls. Posters for upcoming clubs, photos from theatre productions, photos of sports teams with some kind of statistic under it. For example, I remember seeing a picture of the boy's cross country team with the caption, "UNDEFEATED FOR 3 YEARS STRAIGHT!!" Pretty impressive, not gonna lie.

But I can't help the fact that I want to jump out of this car and run back home to Medda. The three of us pile out of the car, grabbing our backpacks. Charlie turns to me.

"Toni! There are a few people that Jack and I want you to meet." Shit. Shit. Shit. "Don't worry! They're all so kind and we've been friends with them for as long as we can remember!" I'm not interested, thank you. I'd prefer to stay under the radar like I always have. "Come on! We have a few minutes before 1st period, so we should have time to introduce you to everyone!" The two of them start to head towards the door, and Jack waves at me to follow them. I guess there's no getting out of this one.

The halls are pretty empty right now. I guess most people haven't arrived yet, which is good. They lead me to the back of the library. At one of the tables, there's a big group of people hovered over something. I thought they were only introducing me to a few people! This is a whole ass clique! One of the boys, a tall kid with glasses who looks to be the same age as Jack, looks up from whatever is on the table and notices the three of us.

"HEY! Jack and Crutch! What took ya so long!" He wraps the two of them in an embrace. When he pulls back, he finally notices me. "And...who's this?" I shrink back.

Jack addresses the whole group, not just the one kid. "My yees and haws, this," he places a hand on my shoulder, "is Antonio. He's our new foster brother." I wave, refusing to make eye contact. A chorus of welcomes arises. "Crutchie, introduce everyone. I need to piss." And with that, he leaves. TMI much? And who the hell is Crutchie? is that Charlie's nickname? I'm so fucking confused. I move my gaze from the floor to Charlie, who gives me a reassuring smile. 

"Damn, who do I start with..." He studies the group for a moment before pointing at the kid with glasses. "That's Spencer, but we all call him Specs. Wanna guess why?" he chucked before pointing at a short, Filipino kid. "That's Romeo. He flirts with everyone, so don't be alarmed if he tries to flirt with you." Romeo sticks his tongue out at Charlie. In the next few minutes, he introduces the whole group. Smalls, Finch, Tommy Boy, Elmer, Davey, Buttons, and more. There are some pretty interesting nicknames. Lastly, he points to a redhead in the back.

"And that's Albert!" I feel my heart skip a beat and my face gets hot. Wait, no no no you just met the guy! You don't know if he's a dick or not, so stop the crushing! 

...Even if he's hot...

"I think that's everyone, where the hell is Spot?"

"His car is in the parking lot," Smalls pipes up. "He'll be here." No matter how hard I try, I can't take my eyes off of that damn redhead. He's fucking jacked, with freckles that are scattered across his whole body. His hair is fluffy and untamed. I don't even notice the door opening and someone new walking in until he takes a seat next to Albert, wrapping his arm around his shoulders and placing a small kiss on his cheek.

Fuck. Me.

Of course, he's taken. Why wouldn't he be? He's attractive as hell and seems to have an amazing personality. Who wouldn't want him? The person who kissed him must he the Spot that Charlie was talking about. He's a short Latino who's also fucking jacked. My face becomes even hotter.

I want to punch myself in the face.

Do I really have feelings for both of them? And they're both taken? What the hell is wrong with you, Antonio? The sound of the bell ringing cuts off my thoughts. The group groans and pulls out their schedules. 

"So, what do you have first?" I didn't even notice Charlie standing next to me.

"Uh," I look at my schedule, "Chemistry with Mrs. Destefano."

"Hey! Antonio! I have that class too!" One of the boys, Romeo, pipes up. Well, at least the class isn't full of strangers. I give him a fake smile. he runs up beside me and we walk to class together. Romeo doesn't shut up the whole time we're walking, but I'm not really listening. My mind keeps drifting back to Albert and Spot.

This year is gonna be rough.


	21. Chapter 21

Once the two of us get to the chemistry classroom, Romeo grabs my arm and leads me to two seats near the back. We sit down and he starts asking me a million questions about myself. None of them are too personal, however, so I guess it's fine. Even if it's annoying. A few minutes later, a woman who appeared to be in her 50s walks into the classroom and turns to us.

"Good morning class..." She addresses us with a smile. "I'm Mrs. Destefano, and I'll be your chemistry teacher this year. Let me take attendance real quick, and we can get started!" When she comes to me, she actually addresses me as Antonio instead of my deadname, which is weird, considering I haven't gotten my name legally changed. I guess Medda told the school to change my name in the system. The thought makes me crack a small smile.

45 minutes later, the bell rings, making me jump ten feet in the air. I'm never going to get used to that thing. I pull out my schedule. My next class is ELA, which shouldn't be too bad. Once I walk into the room, guess who's waiting for me?

Albert. Of course. Because this is gonna help me get him off of my damn mind.

He waves at me to sit with him, and my body acts before my brain does. I take a seat right next to him, trying not to blush.

"Antonio, right? We didn't get to talk earlier."

I swallow. "Y-yeah"

"Then again, I'm pretty sure Romeo talked your damn ear off." He says, earning a small laugh from both of us. He looks up again as Elmer walks into the room. "El! Get your ass over here!" He laughs. I look around the room, but there's no teacher in sight to yell at him for swearing. Nice. Elmer sits on the other side of Albert with a grin. He seems like a really happy kid, he was smiling in the library earlier as well. I wonder what it's like.

During class, I can't help but steal a few glances at the redhead. Okay, maybe it was more than just a few. So sue me. My next class is math. Geometry, to be exact. I'm the first one in the classroom, other than the teacher. A few minutes later, to my relief, Charlie enters the room. I wave at him, and he grins, making his way over to me.

"Toni! Have you been enjoying your classes so far?" I give him a slight nod. "I know my friends can be...overbearing at first. But trust me, they're some of the best people I know." He places a reassuring hand on my shoulder, removing it as class starts.

The rest of my day goes like this:

My next block is lunch, which I have with everyone in my grade. This means I sit with Charlie, Albert, Spot, Smalls, Finch, Elmer, Romeo, Jojo, Buttons, and Tommy Boy. I assume this means that Specs, Davey, Katherine, Sarah, Jack, Mush, Blink, and Hotshot are all juniors or seniors. Now that I think about it, Charlie has a huge friend group. I'm not surprised, considering how kind and caring he is. I guess I've just never had that many people care about me before. I sit in between Charlie and Spot.

My next block is band. I don't know anyone in my class, but it doesn't really matter. I'm used to being ignored in class anyway.

Next up: history. A good chunk of Charlie's friends has that class with me. Spot, Buttons, Finch, Romeo, Jojo, and Elmer. We all sit together, and they make me feel like I actually belong in their group, which is nice.

My last class is French. I was going to take Italian, but I'm already fluent in that, so it wouldn't really help. I have that class with Charlie, Buttons, and Tommy Boy.

When French is over, Charlie and I say goodbye to his friends and we make our way to the car, where Jack is already waiting for us. And...so is Davey? Which is weird, but I honestly don't care. The four of us pile into the car and begin the ride home, silently chatting. Charlie turns to me.

"Wanna join the groupchat?" I just stare at him and blink. "You've never been in a groupchat before?" he says, shocked. No, Charlie. I haven't had people who cared about me until now. He whips out his phone and punches my number in. My phone buzzes, so I take out my phone.

You've been added to "mothman. he's a moth and a man, he's a mothman."

What. Charlie tells me who's who since right now there's just a bunch of unknown numbers.

"And that one is Les."

"Who the fuck is Les?"

"Davey and Sarah's little brother."

"How old is he?"

"10."

"The fuck-"

Davey turns around. "You guys better not be making fun of my brother. That's my job. And Sarah's."

We all laugh as Jack pulls into the garage. I look at the name of the groupchat.

"Does Les even know who mothman is?"

Charlie laughs. "I have no fucking clue."

"He doesn't." Davey cuts in.

Charlie, Jack, and I gasp in unison. "How DARE he," Charlie says, overdramatically. 

"Davey, you need to educate your brother. This is treason of the highest degree." I add. We all laugh as we exit the car.


	22. Chapter 22

My phone is practically exploding with notifications for the rest of the day. But I'm okay with it because I finally feel like I belong somewhere. I know the feeling won't last long, but it's nice. A few hours later, I hear the front door close, which I assume means that Davey left. I shrug and go back to what I'm doing, and a few minutes later, Jack just comes into my room unannounced, flopping on my bed with a dumb grin on his face. His face is a deep red shade.

"Uh-" I turn my body to him. "You good?" He sits up, bringing his hands to his face.

"Toni, god help me I am so fucking gay." He says, chuckling.

"Jack, we've known this. What makes today different?" I rest my head on my right hand. He doesn't respond for a moment, just stares at me. I think for a moment before something clicks I my brain. "Oh my god, you have a thing for Davey, don't you."

Jack laughs as he nods. "Holy shit, I'm so head over heels for him it's embarrassing."

"I'm surprised you're telling me this and not Charlie."

"Charlie's known this for years. I'm sure he's tired of me ranting to him about this. Please tell me you have a crush as well so we can rant together, I'm tired of it being one-sided."

"Um...well..." Do I tell him? Fuck it, why not. What's the worst that can happen "they're both taken..."

"Shit, that always hurts." He doesn't seem to care that there are two people in the picture. "Who is it?"

I bite my lip, take a deep breath, and whisper their names in his ear. He slaps his hand over his mouth. 

"Holy. Shit." Fuck. I made a mistake. Shit shit shit shit. He wheezes. "You've only known them for what, a day?" He laughs but stops when he sees my face. "Hey, I'm just messin with ya. I honestly can't blame you for having a crush on them."

"But they're both taken, so it's kinda hopeless."

"Hey, don't say that!"

"Well do you have a suggestion?"

He twiddles his thumbs. "Well, of course, there's the possibility that they break up."

"They seem so happy though..."

"True. But there's a slight possibility of polyamory as well."

I scratch my head. "A poly- what now?"

"A polyamory. More than two people in a relationship." I nod. 

"I don't want to interfere though. If they're happy, I'm happy."

"Are you really, though?" That question makes me stop and think.

"...I'm not sure."

"Didn't think so. I guess the only thing you can do right now is just see how it plays out."

"Yeah. Anyways..." I start, wanting to change the subject. "What's going on with you and Davey?" The grin is back on his face.

"I am. So gay. For that boy."

"You mentioned that."

"I just-" he takes a deep breath. "The way his eyes light up when you ask him about one of his special interests...and how excited he gets when he's ranting about them." He brings his knees to his chest. "And the way he looks when he's deep in thought. And don't even get me started on how cute he is-" he gets cut off by Charlie entering the room. I didn't even notice that Jack forgot to close the door.

"Toni, I've come to save you! Dinner's ready" He turns to Jack. "Don't trap him in your gay ranting mode." He turns back to me, grabbing my arm. "To freedom!" 

"Asshole!" Jack yells as we exit. Both of us laugh as we head downstairs for dinner.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: panic attack, abuse/bullying, f slur

The next day starts the same as the day before. We get ready, drive to school, and hang out in the library until the bell rings. Then we go through our classes and get ready to leave. Instead of going home right away, we meet up in the library again. I look over at Jack, who's having a conversation with Davey and is noticeably blushing. Charlie and I share a knowing glance and chuckle.

"I'm gonna head to the bathroom real quick," I say, standing up.

"Have fun!" Finch jokes.

"Be careful," Romeo adds.

I roll my eyes and head out of the library. After mindlessly wandering the halls, I remember that I have absolutely no fucking clue where I'm going. I was given a map of the school, but I didn't bring it. I didn't think I'd need it.

Fuck.

I walk around the entire school before finally finding a bathroom. Now, I need to figure out how the hell I'm going to get back to the library. I'm walking down a hallway, running my hand along the textured wall when I hear a voice calling from behind me.

"Hey, Antonio!" It doesn't sound like any of my friends, which is odd, but I turn around. I'm greeted by three kids in my grade that are probably twice my size. They don't look like they mean well. I swallow.

I was right. They didn't mean well. the one in the middle grabs the collar of my shirt, bringing my face close to his. A few moments later, he shoves me into the wall. My head hits the wall first, which makes me extremely dizzy. All of this is familiar. Too familiar...

*flashback*

"YOU DUMB BITCH!" I get backhanded in the chops, staggering back a little.

"M-mom!" I call out. She's nowhere to be found.

"Your mom isn't going to help you now, whore." My dad says, yanking me up by the arm. I scream, but he clamps a hand over my mouth. "QUIET." He throws me on the ground, stomping his foot on my chest, which makes me let out a wheezy cough. His hand soon connects with my throat, blocking my airflow. I don't remember what happens after that, I was passed out. All I know is that I woke up in a shit ton of pain, staring at my mom's worried face above me.

*end flashback*

All of the memories come flooding back. I can't stop them. I can't even fight back. I was never allowed. It gets harder and harder to breathe. 

"Aww, what's wrong, you fucking faggot? Don't know how to fight back?" One of them teases.

(I'm gay btw please don't attack me for saying the f slur)

"He's such a fucking pussy." Another one adds, before delivering a punch to my stomach, causing me to double over. The third one pushes me to the ground. Everything starts spinning. I feel like I'm gonna puke. A rush of color comes to my face. Breathing becomes harder and harder by the second.

"Leave him alone." A voice calls from down the hallway. I look to my right, and to my surprise, Spot is standing there. The three guys shrink back, which is kind of funny to see. Spot can't be any taller than 5'4. These dudes have to be at least 6 feet. Behind Spot stand Albert, Jack, and Specs. Spot steps forward and punches one of the guys in the nose. I don't know how he got up that high, but I'm so fucking thankful. Jack, Spot, and Albert chase the guys away while Specs comes over to me.

"You alright?" I shake my head. I still feel like I'm spinning, and breathing is still a challenge. "Let's get you outta here." He helps me up, catching me when I stumble. We walk together, slowly, back to the library. Once we arrive, I sit down in one of the chairs, wiping my nose, which is bleeding. Jojo hands Specs a first-aid kit while Elmer hands me a tissue and an ice pack. Specs starts tending to my injuries while everyone else watches, worried.

A few minutes later, the three other boys come back with minor injuries.

"Let's just say those three won't be fucking with you any more, "Spot announces with pride.

"Thank you so much," I say. "You really didn't have to do that."

"Of course we did." Albert pipes up. "You're one of us now, and our first rule is to always protect one another." I didn't realize this friend group had rules. 

After they get their injuries checked out, we all disperse to go home. Before I leave the library, Albert runs up next to me.

"You can't just let those guys push you around like that." He sighs. "It lets other bitches think that you're an easy person to attack. They'll never leave you alone unless you fight back."

"Sorry, I just-"

"Don't apologize." We finally make eye contact. I had almost forgotten how hopelessly in love I was with him. Damn.

"I just..." I don't want to dump all of my problems on him. At least not now. "Everything was a blur, I didn't know what to do." he nods, wrapping his arm around my shoulders as we walk.

"Welp, like I said. You always have us to help you." He says with a slight smile. "Anyways, I should probably get going." He runs a hand through his hair. "See ya tomorrow." Albert playfully elbows me in the side before running off. I notice him catching up with Spot, giving him a quick kiss before they start to walk together. 

Fuck. It hurts.

I meet Jack and Charlie in the car. No Davey today. They're both looking at me with worried eyes.

"Are you alright? Medda's gonna be so worried when we get home." Charlie states. 

"I'm fine, guys. It ain't anything I'm not used to already." That second part comes out before I can stop it. "Shit. Sorry. Ignore that." The two of them look at each other, then back to me.

"What do you mean you're used to it?" Jack questions.

"I'd rather not talk about it. Let's go." I reply. It comes out a lot harder than I wanted it to, but oh well. We drive home in silence. I had forgotten how much I hated the quiet.


	24. Chapter 24

Jack was right. Medda was horrified.

"Oh my gosh!" She cupped my face with her hand. "What the hell happened to you?"

"It's really nothing Medda-"

"It's absolutely not nothing! Mind telling me why your face is black and blue?" She looks at Jack. "Yours too! What have I said about getting into fights?"

"I'm sorry Momma," Jack starts. "It's just that there were some boys that thought It would be ok to mess with Toni." I look at my shoes. "We couldn't just let them do that. I'm sorry for worrying you."

Medda sighs. "I understand that you wanted to protect Antonio, and I love that you wanted to do that, but you need to be more careful, sweetie." 

Jack nods. "Specs already patched him up, by the way."

"He always does," Medda calls over her shoulder as she walks out of the room. The three of us stare at each other in silence, not knowing what to say. They probably knew how shaken I was, but I don't think they know the full extent of it. I don't think I want to tell them. Once I finally look up, it looks as if Jack and charlie are communicating through their eyes. They're having a whole conversation with each other without a single word being spoken. My nails started to dig into my forearm as I stand up and run to my room. I didn't look behind me to see if anyone wanted to follow me. I didn't care. I just wanted to be alone.

And I got my wish. No one bothered me for a while. No knocks on the door. No random conversations that make us laugh so hard we cry. Just silence.

Until I hear knocking on the window.

My room is on the second floor, how the hell is someone knocking on my window? When I open the curtains, to my surprise, Albert is staring at me with a grin. 

I open the window to let him in. "What the hell are you doing here?"

He sits on my bed. "Wanted to check in on you. You weren't answering your phone." Fuck. "I understand, though. It's your first time getting beaten up, you've gotta be shaken." 

"It's not the first time," I say before my brain can tell me to stop. I slap my hand over my mouth. "Forget I said anything."

"No..." Albert looks at me with confusion. "What do you mean?"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I'm not getting out of this one. Before I get a word out, he holds up his hand to stop me. "Nevermind, I know. This," he gestures vaguely, "is a foster home. I'm guessing that ya old home wasn't the greatest."

"Damn. You're smart." I say, on the verge of tears. "Now can we please stop talking about this?"

He nods. "Sorry."

"It's fine."

I sit down next to him. We stay like that, silent, for a few moments, before he wraps an arm around my shoulders. My heart starts beating like crazy, and my face flushes a little.

"Wanna play some music and just vibe?" He says, breaking the silence. I nod, and he pulls out his phone. It isn't long before my room is filled with music, and I crack a small smile. 

After a few minutes, I notice Albert has been singling along quietly. My heart soars. His voice is beautiful. I can't help but rest my head on his shoulder. We stay like that for the next hour or two. 

"Uh, I should probably get going now." He stands up, heading towards the open window. "But this was fun." 

"Yeah, it was." God, Toni, you sound so fucking dumb. He chuckles and waves as he heads out of the window. "Be careful!" I call out to him. Once he's gone, I flop on my bed with a smile. But when I do so, I hear a crunch. When I sit up, I notice a polaroid photo of us. I don't know how I didn't notice him taking it. I tenderly hold the photo in my hands, my grin growing bigger by the second. I throw myself on my bed again, clutching the photo to my chest.


	25. Chapter 25

The next day, we get to school earlier so that we have more time to fuck around in the library. I'm honestly surprised that the librarian doesn't care. Albert, Spot, Specs, Romeo, Sarah, and I start an Uno game, which results in lots of yelling. 

I finally learned how to play Uno, by the way.

While we're playing, Jojo steals Davey's phone. Before we know it, we have Davey sprawled across a very flustered Jack, trying to get his phone back. Everyone else is laughing their asses off. I turn to Charlie.

"How long has Jack liked Davey again?" Charlie's face twists as he tries to think of the answer.

"I dunno, like...7 or 8 years?" I hold back a snort as I return my gaze to the scene. Davey got his hone back from Jojo, and Jack's face just keeps getting redder and redder.

"Is he ever gonna confess? Because this shit is hilarious." I ask Charlie, who giggles.

"I'm not sure, but I'm certainly enjoying the show."

"I wonder why he hasn't confessed yet..." I play with the fidget cube that Medda got me before school started.

"He's scared." He states. "He's scared that Dave won't like him back. He'd rather have this feeling eat away at him than confess and have his feelings not be reciprocated." I nod.

"Understandable. Do you think I could talk to Davey about it?"

"You can try. Jack will either love you or hate you for this." I chuckle. The bell rings, and we all disperse.

~time skip brought to you by my love for davey jacobs~

I'm in the car now. I never got the chance to talk to Davey, since we're in different grades, but I have his number. I stare at the blinking cursor before me, not sure what to say.I guess we have to start simple.

-"hey dave"

Good idea, I hope. I didn't want to just jump right into it. He doesn't respond for a few minutes, so I assume he's driving. But it isn't super long before I see those three dots on my screen.

-"Hey, Toni. Did you need something?"

He texts using proper grammar? Ew. I'm not surprised though.

-"i have a question"

-"For me?"

-"no for the queen of England"

-"Then why are you messaging me? What do you even have to ask her?"

-"it's sarcasm davey" 

Did he seriously think I had a question for Queen fucking Elizabeth?

-"Oh. Sorry. Anyways, what's your question?"

Oh boy, here we go.

-"um.....how do you feel about my brother..."

-"Jack?"

-"yeah"

I take a sharp breath.

-"He's super talented and kind. He's my best friend." Davey responds.

-"u know that's not what i mean"

-It takes a minute for him to respond again. I really hope I didn't fuck this up.

-"Are you asking me if I have a crush on him?"

-"yeah"

-"It's embarrassing but, yeah. I do. I have for years. He'd never like me back though."

-"that's where ur wrong buckaroo"

-"Huh?"

-"this man is head over heels for you. according to charlie, he's been ranting about how gay he is for u for years"

-"Oh."

-"don't tell him i said that. he'll kill me"

-"I won't. Thank you, Antonio."

I turn off my phone as we pull into the driveway. Am I a wingman now? Do I tell Jack? I have to. When we step out of the car, I turn to him, whispering in his ear.

"Davey likes you back."

I didn't get to see his reaction. I ran right into my room, not wanting to deal with the lecture that I'd most likely get.


	26. Chapter 26

I lean against the wall, bouncing my leg. I can hear a voice on the other side of the wall. Jack's. He must be on the phone with someone, probably Davey. It sounds like it's going well, but we'll have to see how it goes. Pulling myself away from the wall, I walk over to my backpack, which I had thrown on the floor. I grab my textbooks and get to work.

~time skip brought to you by trixie, my friends cat. i love her~

I barely get sleep that night, which is nothing new. Jack seems happier than normal, which is a good sign. We walk to the library, and Jack immediately goes over to Davey. I watch them closely. There are a few moments of them just staring at each other, blushing, and not saying anything. Their faces are soft. Eventually, Jack sits next to Davey on the couch, wrapping an arm around his waist. Davey pecks him on the cheek, and I can't help but smile. Did I just help my brother get a boyfriend? I did something good? Everyone starts cheering once they realize what's going on. 

But no matter how happy I am for them, the knot in my stomach grows bigger and tighter. That feeling of love is something I long for. I have longed for it for as long as I can remember. Wrapping my arms around myself, I sigh and fake a smile. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Spot resting his head on Albert's chest. the sight sends a sharp pain through my chest, but I push it down. I have to stay strong. You can't be a selfish, weak, bitch. That's a one-way ticket to a new foster home. I cover my ears as the bell rings. I don't remember it being this loud.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: overstimulation

The sound of students in the hallway makes my eardrums feel like they're bursting. I don't remember it ever feeling like this. It feels like a white-hot knife is all over my body, somehow penetrating every inch of skin, muscle, and bone I have. It's explosive. I have no clue what the hell is going on. It feels like someone is pouring gravel into my skull and shaking as if they hated me. It feels like I'm being electrocuted to death. My brain feels like a snapped rubber band. I need to run. I need to hide. Somewhere. I've skipped class before, it won't be so bad if I do it again, right? I run into the bathroom, slamming the door behind me, which makes everything worse. It's as if a bomb just went off inside my head. I let out a quiet sob. Everything hurts. I can't breathe. I stay in that stall for the entirety of the first period.

The sound of the heavy door opening and closing makes me sob harder. The sound of students in the hallway doesn't make it better. There are a few footsteps in the bathroom, which stop after I let out another sob.

"Toni?" Davey's voice calls out. Oh thank fuck, it's not a complete stranger! He'll probably think I'm a freak, though. "Antonio, are you in there?"

"Y-y-yeah," I force out. My throat feels like it's on fire when I do so. He's quiet for a few moments.

"What's wrong? Can I come in?" I nod, and then mentally slap myself in the face. He can't see you, dumbass. I throw myself over to the stall door to unlock it, wincing at the sound of the lock turning. Davey kneels down next to me, closing and locking the door behind him. "What's going on? Take your time." My mouth opens and closes like a codfish, but no words come out. 

All I can muster to get out is, "Hurts..."

"What hurts?"

"All over..." He thinks for a moment, then nods in understatement.

"I think I know what's wrong. Are you okay with touch?" I shake my head. Everything I touch feels like it's being burned into my skin. "That's alright. Focus on your body."

We stay like that for a few minutes, before I suddenly remember the concept of time. "Dave...class..."

He holds up his hand. "I don't care that have class right now. I need to make sure you're alright." Davey? Skipping class? What the hell? He holds up a small bag. "I think you're overstimulated. I get overstimulated all the time, so you're not alone." He opens the bag. "I keep this bag on me all the time for when I get overstimulated. In it, there are items that usually help me. They might help you too." He places the open bag in front of me. "Focus on your breathing. It'll help."

We stay there for what feels like hours. He gives me advice and guidance, and I slowly start to feel better. 

"Thanks, Dave. You really didn't have to do that."

He smiles. "Of course I did. I always need to make sure that my friends are okay." He takes the bag back. "Nurse's office? I don't think going back to class will be the best option." He holds out his hand, helping me off the bathroom floor.

Luckily, no one's in the hallway, so it's quiet. I look up at him. I haven't noticed how tall he is until now.

"Um, you said you experience...whatever the hell that was...too?" He nods.

"Yeah. I'm..um...on the autism spectrum, so overstimulation is common for me." He's fidgeting with something in his pocket. I never noticed that before. He seems stressed about something. Maybe it's because he missed a class or two. We arrive at the nurse's office. The nurse tells me to sit down and sends Davey back to class. I rest my aching head against the wall. The nurse tells me that Medda's going to come and pick me up, which makes me feel slightly better. An escape.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mention of s*lf-h*rm scars. not graphic

About 15 minutes later, Medda walks into the nurse's office. I can feel her staring at me, but I don't return the eye contact. She comes over to me and squeezes my shoulder with a gentle "Hey..." I rest my head on her chest, holding back tears. It's embarrassing how this day played out.

Once we get into her car, we drive off in silence. At least, it was quiet for about two minutes. Eventually, Medda sighs, looking at me.

"So what happened?" I tense up. "I'm not mad, I just want to know so I can help you."

I swallow. "Dave says it's called overstimulation...everything just started hurting and I don't know why."

She nods. "I see." Another moment of quiet. "Antonio, you haven't been diagnosed with a neurodevelopmental disorder, have you?" I blink in confusion. "For example, ADHD, Autism, ADD, and so on." I shake my head. "Didn't think so."

The rest of the car ride is silent. When we pull into the garage, Medda puts a hand on my forearm, which freaks me out because if you scanned my arm at the grocery store it would come out to a pack of Oreos. Trust me, I've tried it. She sighs.

"How do you feel about getting a therapist?" My eyes widen and I stay silent. "I had a feeling you'd be opposed to the idea...but it can help. A lot. Both Jack and Charlie have therapists, and it's been helping them a lot." Resting my head against the car window, I put my hands in my pockets to discover that Davey had snuck a fidget toy in there. I fight back a smile. "I know the idea of therapy is scary, but I think you should give it a shot. Of course, therapy isn't for everyone, so if you feel like it's not right for you after a while, you can stop going." I start biting my nails again. "I want you to at least try it out. Please?" I finally look at Medda. Her face is full of concern. I twist my face and reluctantly nod. I want to make her happy and I don't want to fight with her, so it's best to just agree. I learned that a long time ago.

Medda smiles. "Great! With both Jack and Charlie, I've met many therapists over the years and know what they're like. Let's head inside and talk about this later, I know you're not feeling well." When we enter the house, I don't hide in my room like I usually do. Instead, I plant myself on the couch. I watch my reflection on the black tv screen, not wanting to turn it on. I push the remote as far away from me as possible.

A few minutes later, Medda comes over with two mugs. One full of hot chocolate, the other full of tea. She hands me the one with hot cocoa as she sits now next to me.

"Are you feeling well enough to have this conversation right now? I know it's a hard thing to talk about, so I don't want to talk about it until you are ready." I think for a moment, then shake my head. Everything is starting to hurt again, I don't want to make it worse. Medda nods. "I'll leave you alone then." She places a light kiss on my forehead before heading up to her bedroom.

I pull the fuzzy blanket closer to my face, closing my eyes. A nap won't hurt, will it? Especially since I didn't sleep last night. Yeah, a short nap won't be the worst thing right now...


	29. Chapter 29

When I wake up, it's still mostly quiet in the house. Looking out the window, I notice that it's dark outside. Shit. I slept way longer than wanted to. I notice a small stuffed animal tucked into my arm. A shark Squishmellow. I smile and turn my body to cuddle the stuffed animal more. It's soft. Calming. Almost all signs of overstimulation are gone, so I let out a huge breath.

"Did you sleep well?" Charlie's sudden voice makes me jump, but I soon relax once I realize it's him. "Dave told me you weren't feeling well, so I got you that Squishmellow. Do you like it?" I nod, burying my face in the shark. Charlie pulls out that butter-like smile again. "Yay! Jack got you something too, follow me!" He leads me up the stairs and hands me a bag. Jack, Medda, and Davey are watching me. I guess Jack brought Davey over today, which makes me feel warm inside. I helped them get together! And now they're happy! I fumble with the bag.

"Well, what are you waiting for, honey?" Medda calls. I open the bag and pull out a garment. It looks like a sports bra...

Wait.

Holy shit.

"IS THIS A BINDER?!?" I exclaim. "OH MY GOD- WHAT!" Everyone is smiling at me. And nodding. I want to cry. Of happiness this time.

"Dave and Crutch helped picked it out," Jack says with a grin. "Wanna try it on?" I nod enthusiastically, running into my room to get changed.

It takes a little bit of maneuvering, but I eventually get it on. I was expecting it to be easier to get on. I take a deep breath and look in the mirror as everyone in the hall came into my room. For once, I don't notice the feminine features in my body. All I can pay attention to is my chest. My finally flat chest. The tears I've been holding back spill as I clasp my hand over my mouth in an attempt to quiet my sobs of joy. My other hand runs over the binder on my chest. Before I know it, I'm squeezed into a group hug, which only makes me sob harder. 

"T-thank you guys...so much..." I stammer out, wiping away tears.

I have never felt this loved.


	30. Chapter 30

A few hours later, I get a notification on my phone. I lean over to grab it and look at the screen.

-You have been added to "DOWN WITH THE CIS"

Confused, I open the message to see what this shit is all about. They made a groupchat full of trans people? That's amazing. I take a look to see who is in the chat. Charlie, Davey, Smalls, and Romeo. Cracking a small smile, I put my phone back down, only to hear another notification five seconds later.

-Romeo: ONE OF US

-Romeo: ONE OF US

-Smalls: ONE OF US

-Romeo: ONE OF US

-Smalls: ONE OF US

I smile harder, fiddling with the rim of my shirt.

"hey fuckers" I type.

-Charlie: :D

-Romeo: YEEEEAAAAAHHHHGGGG

-Romeo: wait

-Smalls: yeahg

-Romeo: shh

"So everyone here is trans?" I respond.

-Davey: Everybody here is FTM. Except Smalls, they're genderfluid.

-Smalls: i drank the water that turns the freaking frogs gay and this is what happened.

-Romeo: KAODOSNDOSNFKSJ

Chuckling, I close my computer and get ready for a shower. I used to not really take showers because my mental health was absolute shit. It still is, but it's not as bad as it used to be. Medda has been making sure that I take care of myself. She made a self-care checklist to remind me to do simple things. For example, we have "take a shower," and "brush your teeth." She also included things that she knew would make me happy, such as "listen to some music," or "watch some TV." I take one last look at my flat chest before taking my binder off. Davey and Charlie made a list of how to bind properly, and they made sure to point out that I shouldn't wear it for too long at once. I throw the binder to the side of my room and head to the bathroom for my shower.

After finishing my shower and putting pajamas on, I walk back to my room to finish my nightly routine. That's another checklist on the wall. I have a lot of checklists due to the fact that I forget to do basic things most of the time. As I put away my schoolwork for the day (Crutchie picked up my work for me) I notice the polaroid of Albert and I. I take it off of its place on the wall, analyzing it as butterflies soar through my stomach. Eventually, I take the photo and put it in my phone case. It's clear, so I'll always be able to see the picture. When I put the case back on my phone, I get a notification from Spot.

-"you okay?"

-"yeah why"

-"you weren't in school. i saw you in the library earlier today but i didn't see you after that."

The fact that he's checking in on me makes my heart soar and makes me fall even harder for him. My fingers fly across the keyboard.

-"i wasn't feeling well earlier so i went home. i'm fine now tho"

-"that's good."

I hug my phone closer to my chest, blushing harder than ever. Grabbing the shark squishmellow, I bury my face in its soft material.

I want both of them. So bad. But they have each other, and that's enough for them. It hurts, but as long as they're happy, I'm happy. I think.


	31. Chapter 31

Flash forward a few months, and I'm somehow still staying with the Larkins. Things have been going pretty well actually. I did end up seeing a therapist. Apparently Charlie really liked her when she was his therapist. She's alright in my opinion, but it's still weird since i'm not used to opening up like this. 

Davey taught me how to care for myself when I get overstimulated and there's no one around. That has definitely come in handy. He and Jack are doing well, and I'm so ducking happy for them. Jack has been a lot happier lately.

School is...well...school. I get good grades, but I still hate it. At least I have friends this time around. I rest my hand against the cool metal locker for a moment before opening it. Once I do, a piece of paper floats down to my shoes. I scrunch my face and pick it up.

"Meet us behind the school after class.   
We need to talk.   
-Spot and Al."

Fuck.


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> race is panicking. a lot.

A million thoughts swarm through my head. Did they find out about my hopeless crush? Are they mad? I feel like I'm going to faint.

After class is over, I want to puke. I run a hand through my blond curls as head outside of the school. My finger runs over the rock in my pocket. I've started picking up random rocks on the side of the road and keeping them in my pocket. I rub them in my hand often. It's calming.

Right now it isn't helping though. The knot in my stomach isn't going away. When I turn the corner, Spot and Albert are already there. They smile when they see me.

"Sup, Toni. Took ya long enough." Spot jokes. I don't laugh. The words barely register in my brain. My breathing becomes unsteady. "Toni?" 

"I'm sorry." I blurt out. They look at each other, seemingly confused.

"For what?" Albert replies. "You didn't do anything wrong."

"Then why did you tell me to come here?" I shakily respond. They look at each other again. The silence is deafening. They appear to be deciding who gets to talk first. Neither of them want to. I rest my head against the brick wall, fidgeting with the locket. I never got rid of it.

"Antonio..." Albert starts. "Breathe. It's ok. You're not in trouble."

"We're not mad at you." Spot adds. "In fact, it's the opposite." He chuckles, placing a gentle hand on my shoulder. 

They have matching cartilage piercings. 3 black rings. I've never noticed that before. 

"Toni." Albert takes my hands in his. "Fuck, how do I say this..." He takes a deep breath. "Spot and I...we...uh..."

"We like you. A lot. Both of us." Spot cuts in. "And it's pretty obvious you like us back...so..." Fuck. They could tell?

Albert nods. "Basically what we're proposing is...a polyamory?" I remember Jack talking about that. "We love each other and we love you."

"We know it'll be weird, but we'll take it slow and figure it out." Spot said. "If that's what you want, of course." He adds. Tears are back. This time they're happy, though. I can't help but let them fall. Spot and Albert panic.

"Oh fuck! Toni you aren't being forced into anything it's ok please don't cry." Albert let's go of my hands, but I grab them again.

"Guys...I'm happy, don't worry." They both sigh of relief. "Of course I want to try this with you guys. I've wanted to try this since I've met you." They grin. I've rarely seen Spot smile. The two of them have a mini celebration before taking my hands. Spot takes my right, Albert takes my left. They join their free hands together. 

And then I'm wrapped in a huge embrace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SPRALBEEEERRRRRTTTTT HELL YEAH


	33. Chapter 33

The three of us walk, hand-in-hand, to Spot's car. I text Jack to let him know what's going on. My phone blows up with notifications, so he must be happy for me. I crack a small smile as I climb into the backseat, with Spot in the drivers seat and Albert in the passengers seat. The engine starts and we leave the school's parking lot. I rest my head against the window as we chat. My brain is still processing that this is actually happening. I keep pinching myself to make sure I'm not dreaming. 

We're just driving around randomly, with no real destination in mind. I start to realize that I've never really taken the time to soak in the scenery. I never realized how beautiful this town is. Huh.

"So..." Albert starts. "I was thinking that Friday, after school, we go to the diner that just opened! I've heard it's good, and there's an arcade across the street!" He says, beaming. Spot and I both agree to the date.

We end up driving for a few hours, stopping to watch the sun set. We're watching it from the trunk of Spot's car. The brilliant colors fill the sky as I subconsciously rest my head on Albert's shoulder. Spot wraps an arm around my waist. And it's weird. It's weird to feel like this. To feel this loved. 

But I'm not complaining.


	34. Chapter 34

As soon as Spot drops me off at my home, I'm bombarded with questions by my whole family. Jack must have already told them where ai was, because no one asks about that. I explain the whole event to them and they freak the fuck out. Jack pretends to wipe tears. My face is as red as a ripe tomato.

They eventually leave me alone about the whole thing, allowing me to finish my homework in peace. After finishing an essay for English, I look over at my phone.

-You have been added to "the unholy trinity"

-Albert: the perfect name for us 

I giggle as we message back and forth. I've already finished my homework, so I jump onto my bed with a goofy smile on my face. We've only been official for a few hours, and I'm practically planning my life out with them. Calm the fuck down, Toni.

Friday night can't come soon enough.


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw disordered eating

The next few days, the only thing that's on my mind is the date. It never occurred to me that I'd have to eat in front of them. I mean, we're going to a damn diner. So that's what I spend my morning stressing about. 

And before I know it, it's time. I look at myself in the mirror to make sure I don't look like a slob. I'm wearing one of those button-ups with the 80s pattern on them tucked into white jeans. I pair it with a dark belt, as well as, of course, my binder. I've definitely been binding for too long, but I don't care. They don't need to know. I fluff my hair and put on some cologne. 

"It be ok..." I tell myself as the doorbell rings. When I open it, Albert throws me into a huge hug. He's dressed like a misremembered 80s protagonist. Though, that's how he always dresses. We walk together to his car. He hasn't picked up Spot yet, which gives me the opportunity to ride in the passengers seat this time.

It isn't long before we pick up Spot and head to the diner. I've been mentally preparing myself for hours, but I'm not sure if I can do it. My hand is on the locket again as we walk in the doors. 

It's a nice building with only a few people in it. The waitress leads us to a booth. As soon as I sit down, both of them try to get into the seat next to me. I smile as they fight, playfully, over who gets to sit next to me. Putting my head in my arms, my face flushes with color. Albert ends up winning and he sits next to me triumphantly.

A few minutes later, the waitress comes back with our drinks, and takes our order. I order the smallest and least expensive thing on the menu. Spot and Albert don't seem to notice. Turning my head, the arcade across the street catches my eye. The flashing lights in the outside completely mesmerize me. I don't even notice Spot taking a photo.

The waitress comes back with our meals, and this is when I want to puke. You can do it, Antonio. Just breathe. I take small bites with long pauses in between. I'm snapped out of my thoughts at the sound of Spot slamming his arm on the table like one of those plastic dividers at the grocery store. 

"I just wanted a damn fry-" Albert laughs. I look at my own plate.

"You can have mine. I won't eat them." Albert face falls. 

"Toni, you've barely touched your food..." Here we go. Fuck. "Are you feeling alright?" I nod, not wanting to have this discussion. Spot and Albert exchange a glance. They've both finished their food. This is fucking embarrassing. 

"Um..I'm gonna...go to the bathroom..." Albert doesn't get up.

"We can see right through you, Antonio." Spot says. I sigh, putting my head back in my arms. "If we take a bite together, will that help?"

"Don't stuff yourself, though." Albert adds. I lift my head up, staring at the food, before nodding.

And the plate is gone before I know it. They are most of it, but I ate a lot more than I usually do. Their patience actually helped me. I put money in the middle of the table to pay for my meal, but Spot stops me, pulling out his credit card. 

"It's on me."

Guilt floods me. Yes, I got the cheapest thing on the menu, but having someone pay for me makes me feel like shit. We leave the diner and get ready for the arcade. Hopefully this goes better than the diner did.


	36. Chapter 36

We walk into the arcade, the lights once again mesmerizing me. The music is too loud for comfort, but the worried float away as my hands are grabbed and I get pulled into the main area. We got a shit ton of tokens, so we'll be here a while.

"Where to?" I ask. 

"You choose." Spot responds. I stare at him blankly. I've never been in an arcade before. Looking around, one game attracts me. I don't even realize that I'm walking towards it until I'm there. I stare at it, trying to figure out how to play. 

"Watch this." Spot announces as he puts tokens into the machine. He gets a perfect score. 

"Showoff." Albert jokes. "Lemmie try." He puts tokens in, grabbing a ball.

"Al you fucking suck." Spot interjects. Albert makes a noice of fake offense and steps back to look at me.

"Your turn." Oh god. I step up to the machine, grabbing a ball. I actually do pretty well! Slightly smiling, I step towards my boyfriends. It still feels so weird to say that. 

"This way." Albert grabs our wrists and leads us to another game. I look at the fake guns on the counter before grabbing one. The game seems simple enough. While I'm playing, Spot comes up being me, wrapping his arms around my waist. I lean into the touch as the "game over" screen comes up. 

"Asshole! You distracted me!" I whine as the two of them laugh.

"Couldn't help myself." Spot jokes, ruffling my hair. 

"That was so cute guys." Albert comments, looking at his camera. Did he take a photo? Spot and I look at the screen and sure enough, he captured the moment. I smile.

We play a shit ton of games before we run out of tokens. Albert took photos at almost every game. He says that he'll send us copies of them once they get finalized. We're in the car again, goofing around like we always do. It isn't long before we have to part ways. Before I get out of the car, Al presses a kiss to my cheek, which makes my brain short-circuit. I stand there in astonishment as he drives off. Once I open the door, Jack and Crutchie sit me down on the couch.

"Tell us everything."


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw mention of needles

Some miracle happened that night, and I actually slept! I didn't wake up during the night or anything! Smiling to myself out of pride, I pull myself out of bed. The floorboards creek under me as I slowly make my way downstairs for breakfast. I look at my phone and see that a shit ton of pictures were sent to me. They're from Spot, since Albert took photos on his camera. I send him a picture that I took of him and Albert playing DDR before burying my face in the stuffed animal that he won for me last night. I don't notice Medda walking in.

"You seem happy." I look up at her and nod sheepishly. There's no point in hiding. "Good! I have something for you, by the way. Here." She places a small box in front of me. I take the box in my hands, staring at it in confusion before opening it. Inside the box, there's a note. My hand clasps over my mouth as I read the note, a few tears falling.

A letter from my therapist to start testosterone and hormone blockers . I can't fucking believe it. I look back up at Medda, who's smiling. 

"We just need to take that to a doctor and you should be good to start!" Launching myself out of my seat, I give Medda a huge hug. She returns the show of affection. Everything seems perfect, until I remember one thing about the supplements.

Needles.

I'm going to have to take weekly injections. Fun fact: I fucking hate needles. They remind me of things that I'd rather not remember. Suddenly, I get really dizzy and sit back down.

"Is everything alright, Toni?" I look back up at her.

"Needles. Bad." I breathe out.

"Oh...well injections aren't the only way you can get the supplements, you know." Bewildered, I bring my knees to my chest. "There are gels, tablets, skin patches, and more!" I let out a breath that I didn't even know I was holding. "We can talk to the doctor about which will be best. I suggest doing research on each type." 

And that's exactly what I do. I pull out my computer and make a document about the different ways to get hormones. Soon, my phone starts ringing. It's a group facetime with Spot and Albert. I accept the invitation and am greeted to their gorgeous faces. I set my phone back on the desk, making sure the camera is pointed at me, and get back to work.

"Whacha doin, Toni?" Al asks. I look back at my phone. I crack each of my knuckles individually as I tell them the news. Both of their faces light up and they practically shout congratulations. I start flapping my hands before I even realize it. They don't say anything weird about it or make a nasty face, so maybe they don't mind?

I turn back to my computer. "Yeah, but I fucking hate needles so I'm doing research on other ways to get hormones." I start to bite my nails as I look over the document. "I'm leaning towards gel."

And we stay like that for hours, just happily chatting. Once I finish the document and make a decision , I throw myself on my bed. Once we hang up, we've all taken a million facetime photos. I set one of them as my lockscreen and lay down with a sigh of happiness. I stare at the ceiling, which i've recently decorated with those glow-in-the-dark stars. It's too bright out for them to turn on, but I still enjoy looking at them, thinking of different facts about the stars and space. Eventually, I get called down for lunch, which we're going out for. Once I'm in the car, I get a notification from the main groupchat.

-Romeo: WAS NO ONE GONNA TELL ME THAT RACE ALBERT AND SPOT FORMED A POLY!!?!?!

-Elmer: W H A T

-Jojo: :0

-Romeo: I ALWAYS KNOW ABOJT THESE THINGS WHAT THE FUCK

-Romeo: smalls don't you dare

-Smalls: abojt

-Romeo: fuck u

-Smalls: ❤️

-Albert: hehe

I can't help but smile to myself. I'm so glad that these idiots are my friends. 

-Specs: wtf i'm so happy for you guys

-Romeo: my new otp

-Jack: wow i feel betrayed

-Romeo: 😁🖕

-Jack: heart been broke so many times now i don't know what to believe 

-Davey: ???

-Jack: it's a song honey 

-Finch: H O N E Y?!?!?!?!

-Crutchie: not the pet names

-Jack: you're just mad cuz you're single

-Crutchie: wow.

-Jack: let me express my love in piece

-Les: eww

-Jack: shut up you don't even know who mothman is you don't get an opinion

-Les: yes i do

-Sarah: i'm a great teacher ;)

-Jack: ok but you still don't get an opinion you're like 6

-Les: IM TEN

-Sarah: OH NO HSHSHSHAHAHAH

-Romeo: OH SHIT

-Jack: lol

-Les: wow fuck you

-Tommy Boy: W O A H

-Davey: LES!! LANGUAGE!!

-Sarah: BAHAHAHAHHA

-Crutchie: WHO LET THE CHILD SWEAR

-Davey: I'm telling mom.

-Les: NO PLEASE IM SORRY

-Sarah: LMAO YOURE FUCKED

I stifle a laugh as we pull into the parking lot of one of my favorite restaurants. 

"Why are our friends like this?" Charlie asks as we exit.

"Not sure but I love them and I think we need to plan Les's funeral because he's not seeing the light of day again." We all laugh at that.


	38. Chapter 38

After lunch, I have therapy. Medda drops me pfft the office and drives away once I'm inside. My fingers drum on the notebook that my therapist has me write in. It's supposed to keep track of my feelings or something. I check the clock, which reads 2:21. My appointment is at 2:30. I take the chew stim that I bought and bring it to my mouth. No one seems to care. I mean, we're all mentally unstable here, so....

A few minutes later, I get called in. Taking the chew stim out of my mouth, I walk down the short hallway to my therapists office.

"Welcome, Antonio." She smiles as I walk in. I nod in response and sit down on the couch, which always smelled like lavender for some reason. Probably to calm the patients. If that's the case, it doesn't work. At least not on me. "Did your mom show you the letter about testosterone?" I can't hold back the smile that creeps on my face as I nod. "Good! I'm sure that going on T will help your mental health. Do you have your notebook with you?" Handing over the notebook to her, my hands move to my fidget cube. I study her face as she reads what I wrote.

"You never told me you were dating someone!" She says joyfully. "How recent?"

"Tuesday." I respond.

"I'm so happy for you!" I can't tell if she's being sarcastic or not. 

~time skip cuz i have no clue how therapy works~

Once I'm back in the car, I pull out my phone and am greeted to a shit ton of notifications. I've only been gone for an hour, what the hell? I try my best to read over everything, but I eventually give up and put my phone back down. My head starts to throb. I have no clue why.


	39. Chapter 39

The pain in my head subsides after a few minutes, but a sharp pain in my abdomen soon follows. Weird, it's not that time of the month yet. Oh well, it's probably nothing. We climb out of the car and I almost double over in pain as soon as I stand up. Shaking my head, I decide to just walk it off and go take some pain meds.

The pain only gets worse as time goes on, but I ignore it. The pain meds didn't help much. I decide that it's best if I just lay down for a bit. Maybe take a nap, I don't know. Just sleep if off.

~time skip to the next day~

I wake up in twice as much pain as before. I can barely move without pain searing through my body. Medda soon rushes into my room as she heard my cries.

"Oh, sweetie, what's wrong?" I open my mouth to speak, but end up dry heaving over the side of my bed. She rests her hand on my forehead. "I'm gonna take your temperature. Stay here." It hurts too much to move anyway. 

A few moments later, she returns with a thermometer. This time, Jack and Charlie are on her heels, looking equally as worried. Medda sticks the thermometer in my mouth, tapping her foot on the ground as she waits.

"You don't have a fever..." She observes, furrowing her eyebrows.

"Where does it hurt, Toni?" Jack asks. I can't speak, so I point to my stomach. I cry out in pain as I make the mistake of touching where it hurts. Charlie gently holds my hand.

"It'll be ok...you'll be ok..." he comforts.

"How long has your stomach been bothering you?" Medda questions. "You seemed fine yesterday."

"I-It really started...to bother me...when you picked me...up from therapy..." I breathe out. "But...pain started...yesterday morning..."

"Why didn't you tell us?" 

"Didn't...hurt...much..."

"On a scale of one to ten, how much does it hurt right now?" Jack kneels down next to me.

"Eleven." They all look three times as worried now.

Medda thinks for a moment. "I think we should take you to the ER to get that checked out. Can you walk?" I shake my head. She turns to Jack, having a silent conversation. He nods and stands up.

Before I know it, I'm being gently lifted by my brother. He pauses for a moment after getting me in his arms, making sure that he wasn't making the pain worse, before carrying me out of the bedroom and to the car. Medda and Charlie are close behind him. I get seated in the back of the car, and we're off. The seatbelt presses against my stomach, making me whimper. Charlie, who's in the seat next to me, comforts me the entire ride to the ER. I can barely make out the words that he's saying, it's all fuzzy.


	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw hospital shit

We pull into the parking lot, and Jack picks me up again. I'm completely out of it at this point. We practically run into the waiting room, and the receptionist asks us a bunch of questions. I snuggle closer to my brother for comfort. I'm terrified of hospitals.

I get put in a wheelchair and rushed to a room. I curl up in a ball as they move me into the bed. Laying flat makes the pain worse. To take my mind off of the fact that I'm in a hospital and my stomach feels like it imploded, I focus on my breathing. It's something my therapist taught me.

"Alright we're going to need you to lay flat so we can take an ultrasound." Fuck. My face scrunches in pain as I move from my fetus position onto my back. My nails dig into my arm as the doctor runs the machine over my stomach. She stops in the area that's been bothering me the most, squinting her eyes at the picture. My family is beside me, trying to calm me down. It doesn't work. A few tests later, and the doctor turns to us. 

"It's appendicitis. His appendix is inflamed and on the verge of bursting. We're going to need to take him in for emergency surgery to remove it."


	41. Chapter 41

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: hospital shit, hints of SH

Surgery? I've never had surgery before. I have no clue what to expect. My heart starts racing and I start to hyperventilate. My family surrounds me, trying to comfort me. I turn to Medda.

"C-can I call-" she nods before I finish. She digs through her purse and pulls out my phone. I didn't realize she had brought it with her. I stare at my phone, debating which to call first. I dial Spot's number. It rings a few times before he picks up.

"Hey, Toni."

"Can you come...hospital..."

"Shit. What's wrong?"

"Surgery..."

"What did you do this time?" he jokes. 

"Appendix..." he's not laughing anymore.

"Oh shit. I'll be there in a few." I hang up and dial Albert's number. We have the same exact conversation as I get moved to a different room. A nurse walks in and explains the details of the surgery.

"It'll only take about an hour, and he should be good to go home within 24 to 36 hours after the surgery is complete." Does that mean I'll have to stay overnight? Shit. "Now, Antonio, we're going to insert the IV into your arm. It'll barely hurt." She pulls out the needle and I yank my arm away. 

"No..." I'm acting like such a baby. I fucking hate needles. The door opens and my boyfriends walk in, which distracts me. The nurse puts the IV in as they move to both sides of me. Spot runs a hand through my hair. 

"We'll be back in a few moments. We need to get everything prepared for the operation and then we should be good to go." The nurse leaves the room. 

"We'll let you three have a moment." Medda says, leaving the room with Jack and Charlie behind her. I look at my boyfriends.

"It'll be alright, don't worry." Albert comforts, holding my hand. His eyes drift to my arms, which look like barcodes. He bites his lip, but doesn't say anything. He and Spot share a knowing glance before turning back to me.

"Is this your first time havin' surgery?" Spot asks. I nod. "Well, you'll barely feel a thing. You'll be asleep for the whole thing, and when you wake up they'll have you on pain meds. You'll also be drowsy."

"And we'll be with you when you wake up." Albert adds. Spot makes a noise in agreement.

"Promise...?" I say, quietly. 

"Promise." Spot replies, pressing a kiss to my temple. I relax a little as the nurse walks back in with a few more medical professionals. My family follows behind them. The doctors introduce themselves and tell me what they'll be doing. The main surgeon lifts up my hospital gown and draws on my stomach. That's where he'll be making the incision. That's where I'll be cut open. 

"Alright, it's time." The anesthesiologist announces. She connects a tube to the IV in my arm. 

"What's going under anesthesia feel like?" I ask.

"It's just like falling asleep." She answers, setting up the medicine. "Alright, we're ready to go." My family and my boyfriends give me words of encouragement as the medicine enters my body.

And then everything goes dark.


	42. Chapter 42

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw hospital shit

I wake up feeling dizzy. The white lights on the ceiling blind me as I open my eyes. Whispers surround me and I turn my head. To my left, I see Medda, Spot, and the doctor. To my right, I see Jack, Charlie, and Albert. Looks like Spot and Al kept their promise. I muster a weak smile. The pain in my stomach isn't as severe, but I can slightly feel the incision. 

"The surgery was a complete success!" The doctor announces with glee. "No complications whatsoever. I'll be back in a few minutes." She spins on her heel and exits the room. I feel a light kiss on my forehead and my cheek being cupped. My both of my hands are being held and there's a hand running through my hair. God, I feel so fucking loved. 

The IV in my arm itches, but I can't scratch it. Maybe that's why Medda and Charlie are holding my hands; to stop me from ripping the IV out. It's just now that I notice them giggling.

"What's so funny?" I ask. Charlie snorts.

"It's just...when you were waking up...you said some hilarious stuff..." Oh shit. 

"I recorded everything." Spot says, pulling out his phone. Sure enough, there's a video. I put my hands over my face in embarrassment as everyone else laughs. "This is becoming blackmail." 

"Please no..." 

"Too late!" He laughs before kissing me. 

"Get a room!" Jack jokes.

"Shut up, Jack. We all know what's happening with you and Jacobs behind closed doors." Now it's his turn to be embarrassed as we all laugh.

"Which one?" Medda asks. I'm not sure if she's just being dumb or if she genuinely doesn't know.

"Who do you think, Ma."

"Oh I don't know there are three of them! But isn't the girl taken already...hm..."

"I'll give you a hint, it's not the 10-year-old."

~time skip owo~

I wimped as the pain meds start to wear off. The anesthesia has completely worn off by now. Albert strokes my arm for comfort and Spot rests his head against mine. My family left to get lunch. They said they'd try to bring something back for me, but they weren't sure if they were allowed to. I understand, they've been here all day. Spot and Al ate before they came. 

"Oh! I almost forgot. Here." He hands me a hoodie. "It's one of mine. I thought it would help for when we're not here." I bring the hoodie close to my face. It smells like him, which makes me smile. 

Spot places some kind of stuffed animal in my lap. "And that's for you as well, mi estrella." I have no clue what that means. I'll ask him later. How do they know that stuffed animals and hoodies are the way to my heart? I smile.

"Thank you...I don't deserve-"

They cut me off with a variety of noises. "Shush. You deserve the world and whoever can give it to you." I blush, burying my face in the hoodie. My head is being stroked again, and I lean into the touch. My family walks through the doors with a bag in hand. 

"Here ya go." Jack hands me the bag, which had a container in it. I don't feel like eating right now, so I put it on the table beside me. I check my phone, and am greeted to a bunch of "get well soon" messages. I smile. It feels amazing to know that my friends care about me.


	43. Chapter 43

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: hospital shit, memories of past abuse

The next few hours went by slowly. There was barely anything to do, it always hurt where the cut was, and the texture of the gauze on my stomach made me want to gouge my eyes out. I wasn't allowed to remove it. 

Eventually, I turned my head as the sun started to set. I hadn't even noticed that I was in a different room until that moment. Albert notices that I'm staring out the window and moves so I can see the sky better. 

"You're cute as hell, you know that?" He loosely grabs my hands. I don't even notice what he says, I'm too mesmerized by the stars slowly appearing as the sky grows darker. I looked for constellations and specific stars, completely losing interest in whatever's happening around me.

"Did you know that astronomers have divided the sky into 88 different constellations?" I blurt out. "Or that Hydra is the largest constellation by area, which takes up 3.16% of the sky? The smallest constellation is Crux, which only takes up 0.17 percent of the sky." My hand starts typing on an invisible keyboard as the people around me start to listen in. "Twenty two different constellation names start with the letter C. Caelum, Camelopardalis, Cancer, Canes Venatici, Canis Major, Canis Minor, Capricornus, Carina, Cassiopeia, Centaurus, Cepheus, Cetus, Chamaeleon, Circinus, Columba, Coma Berenices, Corona Australis, Corona Borealis, Corvus, Crater, Crux, and Cygnus."

And there I go. Rambling about space again. They don't seem to mind though. In fact, they seem to encourage it. But of course, all good things must come to an end. A doctor comes in and tells us that visiting hours are up, and that everyone needs to leave and let me sleep. Fuck. They say their goodbyes and leave. 

The lights in my room go out, and I'm left staring at the ceiling, the only sound in the room being the machines and the ventilation. It's unsettling, to say the least. My thumb moves to my mouth and I start to nibble on my nail. The least I can do is try to sleep. I snuggle down next to Al's hoodie and the stuffed animal, trying to ignore how uncomfortable the bed is. I close my eyes as horrible experiences in the hospital from the past come back to me.

It wasn't often that my fathers punishments ended up with me in the hospital or bed-ridden, but I was so small and fragile at the time, we had no choice. I'll never forget how loud and scary my fathers voice was when I was laying on the hospital bed with a brace on my neck and back. The cuts and bruises stung my whole body, but I didn't dare say a word. 

My breathing begins to quicken as memories comes flooding back to me. I quickly sit up, which causes the pain in my stomach to scream at me. Two nurses come running in as tears start streaming down my cheeks like my face is ducking Niagara Falls or some shit. They try to calm me down. It doesn't work. I pull Albert's hoodie closer to me, burying my face in the fabric. Sure enough, it still smells like him. The scent starts to calm me down. I feel slightly safer. One of the nurses turns on the lights, and I take the opportunity to use one of the mechanisms my therapist taught me.

Ok, 5 things you can see, Toni. Window, bed, machine, nurses, counter.

Four things you can hear...my breathing, the ventilation, the sounds of the nurse's shoes, the beeping of the machine next to me.

Three things you can feel...the bed, the gown, the hoodie.

Two things you can smell...the classic smell of a hospital, the hoodie.

One thing you can taste...I can't taste anything. I haven't had anything to eat or drink in a while. 

My breathing returns to normal and I lay back down just as a third nurse walks in holding something. A leash? She brings it closer to me. A therapy dog? I sit up again, slowly this time, to see the golden retriever next to me. The dog gets placed next to me on the bed and I can't help but smile and scratch its head. The lights go out again and I lay back down to go to sleep, the dog curled up next to me.


	44. Chapter 44

I woke up with the dog right where it was where I fell asleep. The pain in my stomach had significantly decreased overnight. I'm not sure if that's because of pain meds or not.

A nurse walks into my room with a smile. "Good morning, Antonio. I'm glad you were able to sleep well after what happened during the night. How are you feeling?" I shrug. Lonely. She nods. "Well you should be able to go home in a few hours. You can start having visitors in about an hour. In the meantime, have some breakfast." She puts a plate next to me and leaves, taking the dog with her. I already miss him.

Eating about a quarter of my breakfast, I try to keep myself from panicking again. They don't need to deal with that shit. I shove the plate away from me, resting my head against the uncomfortable pillow.

But, as promised, I hear the door click an hour later and my family walks in. I sigh in relief, smiling at them as they sat down. Medda runs a hand through my hair.

"How are you feeling, honey? The nurse told me you were a little shaken last night." Her eyes drift to the gauze on my stomach, which the nurses changed this morning.

"Little better." 

"That's good. You'll be able to come home today." She says, joyfully. I nod. "Do you know if your boyfriends are coming?" Shaking my head, I slip Albert's hoodie over my head.

"Huh. Al gave you his hoodie?" Charlie observes. 

"Yep."

"That's cute." Jack teases.

"Shut it jacket."

"Did you just call me jacket?"

"And I'd do it again. Bop bop." I throw some fake punches.

"Well he must be feeling better." He chuckles, sitting back. I reach over for my phone, texting Albert and Spot.

"I get discharged today."

I don't wait for a response before I put my phone down. A new nurse walks in and explains the precautions I'll need to take while I recover. Medda's writing everything down as she talks. 

Then, she tells me that I'm ready to leave, and she walks over to take the IV out of my arm. As soon as it's out, I stretch my arms to the side. It feels so fucking good to not be attached to a machine anymore. Thanking the nurse, I carefully climb out of bed, stumbling a little as my feet hit the ground. Medda and Jack are both there to catch me, but I straighten my shoulders and grab the plush that Spot got me.

The four of us walk, slowly, to the car. My head rests against the window as the engine murmurs and the car starts to move. I look back at my phone.

-Spot: holy shit that's amazing

-Albert: can we come visit?

"i'm already out but u can come over" I respond.

-Spot: already omw

-Albert: pick me up please i don't wanna drive i'm lazy

-Spot: bitch


	45. Chapter 45

I slowly travel up to my room and immediately climb into bed. I know I should probably be sick of just laying in bed all day, but there isn't much else for me to do. 

A few minutes later, the doorbell rings, almost making me jump ten feet in the air. I can't hear the conversation going on downstairs, but it's followed by footsteps getting louder and louder. The door gets slammed open, and my boyfriends are standing in the doorway. A weak smile spreads across my face as I sit up. They walk over to my bed. 

"How are ya feelin?" Spot asks. I hum in response, leaning on him as he sits next to me. 

Albert carefully climbs over to the other side of me. "I see you like my hoodie." I nod, quietly chuckling.

"We we're thinking of watching a movie." Spot pulls out his laptop, opening Netflix. "Any suggestions?" I shake my head, laying back down. Albert does the same while Spot scrolls through the selections. "Perks Of Being A Wallflower?"

"That movie makes me sob like a baby." I state. Spot lifts an eyebrow. "Yeah, put it on." He shrugs and turns on the movie before turning off the lights and laying down. The two of them maneuvered so that we're cuddling, but still were cautious about my stomach. It's calming.

~time skip brought to you by me, praying that 2021 won't be a fucking fiasco~

Like I said, I was sobbing by the end of the movie. Albert leans over and hands me a tissue, which I take gratefully.

"Huh. You weren't lying when you said you cried like a baby." He jokes. I playfully slap him on the arm.

"Shut it ginger." We all start laughing, ignoring the credits rolling on the screen.


	46. Chapter 46

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: self harm, mini-panic attack. you thought we were gonna be happy now? no❤️

Spot puts his laptop away and stands up, walking around the room. Albert follows, but I stay on the bed, wrapping a blanket around myself. After a few moments, I notice Albert make a face and slip something into his pocket.

"Ya stealing from me, ranga?" I tease. He sighs and turns to me.

"First of all, never call me that again." I chuckle. "Second of all I'm not stealing shit."

"I just saw you slip something into your pocket bitch. Lemmie see." I stand up and walk over to him. His face falls and he reaches into his pocket. He pulls out a razor. Fuck. He looks back at me.

"Toni, we're not just gonna let you keep doing this to yourself." Spot says, looking around the room for more razors.

"It'll be hard, but we're here to help." Albert takes my shaking hands in his. It gets harder and harder to breathe. "Hey..." he comforts. "Sit down, breathe, it's okay." Al leads me back to my bed and we both sit. My arm moves to scratch my other arm, but Spot comes over to stop me.

"Antonio-"

"I'm sorry!" I sob. They look at each other for a moment, then back to me.

"Hey hey hey, don't be sorry." Spot sits next to me, loosely putting his arm around my shoulder. Albert gently grabs my hands again and I rest my head on his shoulder.

We stay like that, silent, for what feels like hours. No one knows what to say. Eventually, I break the silence.

"How did you guys know..."

"When you were at the hospital we noticed...uh..." Albert stammers.

"Cuts on my arms." I finish his sentence for him, staring blankly at the wall ahead of me.

"Yeah." He says. And we're back in silence again. The quiet makes my skin crawl and it makes me want to gouge my eyes out with a fork.

"I'm sorry," I start. "I completely fucked up this whole relationship thing. You shouldn't have to deal with a mentally unstable bitch like me." I stand up.

"Toni, no-"

"Toni yes. You should just fucking leave. You...you deserve better. The two of you were happy before, and I just came on in and fucked it up."

"Toni-"

"You guys were perfect together, just the two of you-"

"Toni!" 

"You should just go back to that. You don't need me-"

"Antonio!" I shut my mouth and turn back to them. They both look heartbroken, which makes me feel even worse than before. Spot stands up and walks over to me, placing a hand on my shoulder. He sighs before connecting his lips to mine. I lean into the touch. He soon pulls away, loosely wrapping his arms around my neck. 

"Antonio. If we didn't love you we never would've asked you out. We never would've asked you on dates. We never would've kissed you, or stayed up on facetime with you until 3am." He looks me in the eyes. I don't return the eye contact.

"If we wanted it to be just us, we never would've bothered taking you places or being super affectionate." I didn't even notice that Albert was next to me.

I can't stop the tears that fall. Albert reached over to wipe tears off of my cheek. My knees become weak and I fall to the ground. Spot and Al kneel next to me, trying to comfort me.

~time skip brought to you by: Mars can't let race be happy for too long.~

We're back on the bed in the same positions that we were in before. The sun had set a while ago. I never got to watch it due to my breakdown. I bury my face in the crook of Spof's neck, my eyes drooping. And before I know it, I'm asleep in the arms of my boyfriends. I wouldn't trade them for the world. Can't believe they put up with my bullshit.


	47. Chapter 47

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mention of pills, overdosing, sewerslide. not graphic at all

I wake up to the sun shining through my curtains and in the middle of a tangle of limbs. Turning my head, I can see that Albert is already awake and staring at me, his face soft. 

"Mornin sweetheart." He presses a kiss to my forehead. "Sleep good?" He asks, cupping my face with his hand. I lean into the touch as he starts to rub his thumb over my cheek. A soft smile appears on my face before I turn my head the other direction. Spot is still curled up next to me, fast asleep. I him, turning back to Al, who's sitting up now. He looks cute with a bed head. I mean, he looks cute all the time but-

My thoughts are interrupted by a pain in my stomach. Fuck. Almost forgot about that. I whine, burying my face into a pillow. Albert does his best to comfort me, but it doesn't really make the pain subside. 

There's a knock on the door, and Medda's voice is on the other side.

"Morning, Toni. I have breakfast and pain meds. Are you awake yet?" Shit, does she know that Spot and Albert stayed the night? I'm sure she won't mind. 

"Yeah, I'm up." I say, sitting up and leaning into Albert. The doorknob turns as he starts braiding my curls. Medda enters the room with a plate, a glass of milk, and the pain meds that were prescribed to me by my doctor.

"Good morning Albert. I didn't realize you spent the night. I can get you something as well, if you want." 

"Thank you Mrs. Larkin."

"Of course honey." She sets down the plate and the glass on my nightstand, handing me the pills. My therapist told her to watch me while I take them, due to the fact that I might purposely unalive myself. I slip a pill into my mouth, washing it down with some water from a bottle that was on the floor. She takes the pill bottle back, putting the top back on.

"Well, I'll go get some breakfast for you." She says to the ginger. Her gaze moves to Spot, who's somehow still sleeping. "Or...you two." I take a pancake off of the plate as Medda leaves the room, closing the door behind her.

"Is Spot always his much of a heavy sleeper?" I turn to Al.

"Yep. A fucking bomb will have to go off to wake him up in the middle of the night." He jokes, ruffling my hair.

Medda returns a few minutes with two plates and two glasses. I'm not sure how she's carrying all of that at once, but she somehow makes it work. A few minutes after she gives us the food, a hear shifting coming from the bed.

"He's awake!" I joke. "A fucking miracle." Spot sits up, gently rubbing his eyes.

"Morning fuckers." He says as he scoots over to us. 

"How romantic." Albert teases, playfully hitting Spot on the shoulder.

And that's how we stay while we eat breakfast. Just joking around with each other without a care in the world. The pain meds eventually start to kick in, so I feel a lot better.

At least we're ignoring the fiasco that was last night...

Once we're done, we stack our dishes on my nightstand. Mine was always on the top since I didn't eat everything. Spot checks his phone.

"Fuck. My moms gonna beat my ass cause she didn't know I was spending the night. Oh well." He looks back at us, noticing my scared face. "Don't worry, she's not going to actually beat my ass. She'll probably scream at me before, but it's nothing I haven't experienced before." That doesn't really help. "Anyways, I should probably get going." He gives both Al and I a kiss, grabbing his bag and heading towards the door. The door clicks and Al and I turn toward each other.

"Is he gonna be okay?" I ask, picking at the skin next to my nails. 

Albert nods. "Yeah. His mom's just strict as fuck. He'll be fine."

"Promise?"

"Promise." He kisses me on the cheek. "My mom, on the other hand, doesn't care, as long as I'm safe. Which I am." He leans up against the bedroom wall, and I lean on his stomach as he rests his chin on the top of my head.

"Oh, I almost forgot." Al pulls a photo out of his pocket of the three of us cuddling. "I slipped one in Spot's bag as well, and I got one for myself." I hold the photo in my hand, grinning, as he starts braiding my curls again. The feeling is calming. I slip the photo in my phone case, next to the one of Albert and I that one night. The night when he snuck in through my window and we starting listening to music together. It's hard to believe that night was almost three months ago. Before we started dating. Before I had my appendix removed. 

Albert leaves after about an hour, and I'm alone again. Well, I still have Jack, Charlie, and Medda, but I feel alone. Heading into the hallway, I hear a soft conversation from behind Jack's door. Davey must be here. I never heard him come in. I make my way downstairs, sitting next to Charlie in front of the TV. 

"What show is this?" I ask, biting my nail.

"Glee. You didn't know this was Glee?"

"No...."

"You uncultured swine!" He jokes. "But seriously, you need to watch it."

"I'm watching it right now, Crutch."

"I mean the whole thing. This is season four." He turns back to the screen before screaming. "MATTHEW MORRISON!" He covers his eyes while I laugh my ass off. "Why do I even watch this show when I know the devil himself is in it."

"Who even is this dude?"

"The root of all evil. The cause of every problem. The black plague?" He leans forward. "I think he did it but I just can't prove it~" He sings, which makes me laugh even harder.


	48. Chapter 48

I wake up to the sun shining through my curtains and in the middle of a tangle of limbs. Turning my head, I can see that Albert is already awake and staring at me, his face soft. 

"Mornin sweetheart." He presses a kiss to my forehead. "Sleep good?" He asks, cupping my face with his hand. I lean into the touch as he starts to rub his thumb over my cheek. A soft smile appears on my face before I turn my head the other direction. Spot is still curled up next to me, fast asleep. I him, turning back to Al, who's sitting up now. He looks cute with a bed head. I mean, he looks cute all the time but-

My thoughts are interrupted by a pain in my stomach. Fuck. Almost forgot about that. I whine, burying my face into a pillow. Albert does his best to comfort me, but it doesn't really make the pain subside. 

There's a knock on the door, and Medda's voice is on the other side.

"Morning, Toni. I have breakfast and pain meds. Are you awake yet?" Shit, does she know that Spot and Albert stayed the night? I'm sure she won't mind. 

"Yeah, I'm up." I say, sitting up and leaning into Albert. The doorknob turns as he starts braiding my curls. Medda enters the room with a plate, a glass of milk, and the pain meds that were prescribed to me by my doctor.

"Good morning Albert. I didn't realize you spent the night. I can get you something as well, if you want." 

"Thank you Mrs. Larkin."

"Of course honey." She sets down the plate and the glass on my nightstand, handing me the pills. My therapist told her to watch me while I take them, due to the fact that I might purposely unalive myself. I slip a pill into my mouth, washing it down with some water from a bottle that was on the floor. She takes the pill bottle back, putting the top back on.

"Well, I'll go get some breakfast for you." She says to the ginger. Her gaze moves to Spot, who's somehow still sleeping. "Or...you two." I take a pancake off of the plate as Medda leaves the room, closing the door behind her.

"Is Spot always his much of a heavy sleeper?" I turn to Al.

"Yep. A fucking bomb will have to go off to wake him up in the middle of the night." He jokes, ruffling my hair.

Medda returns a few minutes with two plates and two glasses. I'm not sure how she's carrying all of that at once, but she somehow makes it work. A few minutes after she gives us the food, a hear shifting coming from the bed.

"He's awake!" I joke. "A fucking miracle." Spot sits up, gently rubbing his eyes.

"Morning fuckers." He says as he scoots over to us. 

"How romantic." Albert teases, playfully hitting Spot on the shoulder.

And that's how we stay while we eat breakfast. Just joking around with each other without a care in the world. The pain meds eventually start to kick in, so I feel a lot better.

At least we're ignoring the fiasco that was last night...

Once we're done, we stack our dishes on my nightstand. Mine was always on the top since I didn't eat everything. Spot checks his phone.

"Fuck. My moms gonna beat my ass cause she didn't know I was spending the night. Oh well." He looks back at us, noticing my scared face. "Don't worry, she's not going to actually beat my ass. She'll probably scream at me before, but it's nothing I haven't experienced before." That doesn't really help. "Anyways, I should probably get going." He gives both Al and I a kiss, grabbing his bag and heading towards the door. The door clicks and Al and I turn toward each other.

"Is he gonna be okay?" I ask, picking at the skin next to my nails. 

Albert nods. "Yeah. His mom's just strict as fuck. He'll be fine."

"Promise?"

"Promise." He kisses me on the cheek. "My mom, on the other hand, doesn't care, as long as I'm safe. Which I am." He leans up against the bedroom wall, and I lean on his stomach as he rests his chin on the top of my head.

"Oh, I almost forgot." Al pulls a photo out of his pocket of the three of us cuddling. "I slipped one in Spot's bag as well, and I got one for myself." I hold the photo in my hand, grinning, as he starts braiding my curls again. The feeling is calming. I slip the photo in my phone case, next to the one of Albert and I that one night. The night when he snuck in through my window and we starting listening to music together. It's hard to believe that night was almost three months ago. Before we started dating. Before I had my appendix removed. 

Albert leaves after about an hour, and I'm alone again. Well, I still have Jack, Charlie, and Medda, but I feel alone. Heading into the hallway, I hear a soft conversation from behind Jack's door. Davey must be here. I never heard him come in. I make my way downstairs, sitting next to Charlie in front of the TV. 

"What show is this?" I ask, biting my nail.

"Glee. You didn't know this was Glee?"

"No...."

"You uncultured swine!" He jokes. "But seriously, you need to watch it."

"I'm watching it right now, Crutch."

"I mean the whole thing. This is season four." He turns back to the screen before screaming. "MATTHEW MORRISON!" He covers his eyes while I laugh my ass off. "Why do I even watch this show when I know the devil himself is in it."

"Who even is this dude?"

"The root of all evil. The cause of every problem. The black plague?" He leans forward. "I think he did it but I just can't prove it~" He sings, which makes me laugh even harder.


	49. Chapter 49

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mention of past death, disordered eating, mention of pills (pain meds)

According to the doctor, I'm not supposed to go back to school for about a week. So, the next day, I wake up to the house being completely quiet for the first time in months. I pull myself out of bed to see that Medda had already gotten my pain meds ready on my nightstand. I slip the pill into my mouth, taking a small sip of water to wash it down. 

Slowly making my way downstairs, I look around the empty house.Jack and Charlie are at school and Medda's at work, so I'll be alone for the next few hours. The idea makes me uneasy. I spread out on the couch, turning on the TV. What was that show that Charlie wanted me to watch? Glee? I shrug and go to Netflix, turning on the show.

I'm not sure how long I was sitting in front of the TV, but I eventually hear the mail truck outside. Groaning, I pull myself off of the couch and slip on some shoes to get the mail. It's colder than I was expecting it to be, but I brush off the chills and head to the mailbox. It's mostly just junk mail and bills. 

I bring the mail inside and set it on the counter. It's just now that I see a note from Medda.

"Remember to eat something, honey! It's important and it'll help you recover faster.  
Love you <3  
-Mom"

Reading the note made me realize that I've never called her "Mom." Despite living with her for over half a year, I've never done it. Shit, it's already been over half a year? It doesn't feel like that long. 

It never felt right to call her "Mom." Especially considering that I'm only a foster kid, and I could be sent to another house at any given moment. She hasn't officially adopted me yet. My mom....my real mom....

Tears prick my eyes as I run my thumb over her locket. I haven't been able to stop thinking about that day. The one where she passed. 

I swallow and look back at the note. The thought of eating something made me feel sick. But Medda will be disappointed in you if you don't eat something. She'll hate you.

Reluctantly, my feet carry me to the pantry. I scan the shelves, looking for something small. I pull a granola bar out of a box and leave the pantry. I take a deep breath as I open the packaging. Nope. Can't do this. I slam the granola bar on the counter and go back to my room. Scanning my room, I grab my headphones and turn them on, laying on my bed. I open Spotify to see the playlist that Al made for me. It's full of the songs that we listened to that night. I press play and rest my head against the wall.

~time skip owo~

The door to my room clicks, and Charlie is standing in the doorway with a bag.

"I brought you your schoolwork." He sets down the bag on my desk chair. "Are you feelin' any better?" I nod. Pain meds do wonders. "Good! Have you eaten?" A few moments of silence pass. "I'm gonna take that as a no..."

"Guilty as charged." I turn my whole body to my brother. It's weird how I can't think of Medda as my mom, but I can easily think of Jack and Charlie as my brothers.

"Toni-"

"Don't." I bark. He lowers his eyes and nods. 

"Sorry..."

"It's fine." I run a hand through my hair. "I just...don't like talking about it."

"That's fine, I understand." He smiles before leaving my room. I stare at the bag. I guess teachers don't care that I just had a major surgery two days ago. Rolling my eyes, I head over to my desk and get to work.


	50. Chapter 50

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw race is kinda panicking

The next few days felt like they were a month long. I never thought I would miss going to school. Maybe I don't miss school itself, but I miss seeing my friends. And I hate being alone all day.

But, eventually, I'm allowed to go back. Let's just say my return caused the librarian to shush all of us. People we're going absolutely apeshit. I didn't think they cared about me this much. 

Luckily, I was able to finish all of my work, so I wasn't behind in any of my classes. My stomach barely bothered me, other than the incision area itching. I tried to scratch it during English, and Albert pinned my arms behind my back.

I was also hit with the realization that we were going on winter break soon. The school year went by so much faster than I thought it would. Everyone was talking about their vacation plans. I don't think my family has any, we haven't talked about it.

But when I get home, Medda's already setting up a Christmas tree. Jack and I run over to help, as the tree is about to fall. Setting up a Christmas tree is not a one person job.

"Whew! Thanks boys!" She smiles. "Would you three be a gem and grab the boxes of ornaments?" We nod, even though I have no clue where the boxes are. I just follow Jack and Charlie.

The two of them lead me to a closet, and they start grabbing boxes. There are a lot of boxes, but they aren't that big. Why did Medda buy a bunch of small boxes instead of a few big containers?

Once we bring them all down, as well as some lights. We get to decorating. First, we do the lights. Then, we hang all of the ornaments. It goes really well....

...for the most part.

I grab a small ornament out of one of the boxes and start to bring it over to the tree. I forgot to take into account the fact that I have sweaty hands. The ornament slips out of my hands and shatters on the floor.

Everyone stares at the broken ornament in surprised silence. My mind and heart start racing. Fuck. I fucked up big time. She's gonna send me to another foster home. Merry fucking Christmas! I didn't even notice that I was shaking, but once I start, I can't stop.

"I-I'm so sorry!" I keep apologizing while I clean up the mess, ignoring the glass shards pressing into my skin. 

"Toni, stop." Medda orders, which only makes me panic more. She walks over to me. "You're gonna hurt yourself if you pick up glass with your bare hands. Go get the broom and use that."

"Sorry." I stand up and grab the broom and dustpan. They're all staring at me when I walk back. They all hate me now. They go back to decorating while I sweep up the glass. Once I dump it in the garbage, I start to head upstairs to my room. 

"Excuse me, where do you think you're goin?" Medda exclaims. "Do you not want to decorate anymore?" I shake my head and start picking at the skin around my nails. I feel dizzy. "You're not in trouble, honey."

"I'm not?"

"Of course not! Everyone makes mistakes. I'd be different if you were trying to break it. You broke the ornament on accident." She starts to head towards where I am on the stairs, wrapping me in an embrace.

"Y-you're not mad?"

"None of us are."

That's when something hits me. They were never pretending to be nice so I would trust them. They weren't going to give me away.

I was staying here.


	51. Chapter 51

"Now, wanna get back to decorating?" Medda breaks the embrace, putting her hands on my shoulders. I rub my eyes.

"Dizzy..."

"You feel dizzy?" I nod. "Then sit down for a bit. Drink some water. Have you eaten?" I shake my head. "That's probably why you don't feel good. What do you want to eat?" I shrug as I look away. I don't want anything. "Toni..." She starts. "Go sit on the couch, I'll fix you something."

"Oh, you don't have to-"

But she's already in the kitchen. Realizing there's no way I'm getting out of this, I move to the couch, pulling a blanket over me. A few minutes later, Medda comes out with a bowl of pasta in her hands. She knows me so well. I take the bowl from her hands, and she goes back into the kitchen. A moment later, and she brings over a bottle of water. She placed a kiss to my forehead before ruffling my hair and going back to the tree.

I stare down at the pasta. Something about it seems eerily familiar. Then, it hits me. This is the exact same thing my mom used to make. All the time. How did she get the recipe? I was told that it was our family's secret recipe. Maybe I was wrong.

My hand shakes as I bring the fork to my mouth. Memories come flooding back as I take a bite. It makes me want to cry. 

I miss her.

I end up finishing the whole bowl before I know it. I know that's what my mom would want. Sometimes I wonder if she's been watching over me ever since she died. She'd be able to see that I'm safe now, and I'm doing a lot better than I was. I press my fingers to my eyes to stop myself from crying.


	52. Chapter 52

The next few days go just like any other day. Nothing super interesting happened.

But soon, it was the last day of school before winter break. We barely did any work, and no one was really paying attention anyway.

We all stand in the main lobby, counting down until the hell rings. Once it does, we swarm out of the school. I meet up with Albert and Spot, desperate to spend some time with them before the break. They were both traveling for Christmas.

"Oh! Toni! I almost forgot." Spot reaches in his bag and pulls out a present. He placed it in my hand, pressing a kiss to my cheek.

"Aw Spottie, you didn't have to-"

"Shush."

And before I know it, Albert gives me a bag. "Ok, so I can't wrap presents. Sue me." I giggle a bit before pulling out their gifts. It's stressful. I've never been good at gift-giving, and I'm afraid that they won't like what I got them.

We spent a few more moments together before we had to part. The three of us steal one last kiss from each other before heading to our rides. 

Once we got to the car, Davey and Jack were chatting in front of it. Charlie and I steal a knowing glance from each other before bursting out laughing. This shocks both of them. I'm pretty sure Davey jumped ten feet in the air. Maybe they didn't know that we were there.

"Ok, you bitches, get in." Jack rolls his eyes, climbing in the drivers seat. He turns the car on, kissing his boyfriend on the cheek before moving the car.

"That's kinda gay." I joke.

"We're all kinda gay." Charlie responds, elbowing me.

"Kinda?" Davey smiles, and we all laugh.


	53. Chapter 53

And before I know it, it's Christmas!

We spent the time in between the last day of school and Christmas just spending time together. We haven't been able to do that as much since school started.

I've never really had a Christmas. The last time I actually celebrated the holiday was when I was about 4 or 5. Before my dad turned into an abusive alcoholic. I still wonder what made him turn into that. I can remember the disappointment on little me's face when I was told that there would be no presents that year.

So you can imagine my surprise when I wake up to a shit ton of presents under the tree. I stare at the perfectly wrapped boxes in shock, running my eyes to make sure they're working properly. I have to punch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming.

Jack comes down the stairs right after me, seemingly confused at my shock.

"What's the matter, Toni?"

I turn back at him, shaking my head, before walking down the stairs. We have breakfast first, and then we head over to the tree. Medda already has all of the presents organized by person. She gives all of my presents to me, and I just stare at them, waiting for permission. Jack and Charlie, on the other hand, start tearing into their gifts with huge grins on their faces. I look up at Medda, who nods. It's like she can read my mind.

I go for a small box first, carefully opening the package. Then another, and another. I slowly stop caring about neatness. It surprises me that they actually went out of their way to get me gifts. That hasn't happened in a decade or so. The last gifts I open are the ones from Albert and Spot. Saving the best for last, as they say.

Once we finish with the gifts under the tree, Medda brings over stockings. I've never had a stocking before. I wasn't sure what to expect. I slowly start taking the items out of the stocking. It's full with smaller items.

And soon, the joy and excitement of opening gifts has to come to an end. We all clean up our messes and bring our gifts to our rooms.

"Wait! Toni! I almost forgot!" Medda runs to grab an envelope. It looks formal, which scares me. I take   
the envelope in my hands, taking a deep breath before carefully opening it. Inside, there's a sheet of paper. This could either go amazing or horrible.

I slowly take out the sheet of paper, scanning it.

My jaw drops to the floor.

"Certificate Of Adoption.  
This is to certify that   
Antonio Higgins  
Has been formally adopted into the Larkin family."


	54. Chapter 54

I can't believe my eyes. It's official? I'm not leaving? Tears start spilling out of my eyes, but this time, they're happy. I look up at Medda, who has a big, darling smile on her face.

"Merry Christmas, honey." She holds out her arms for an embrace. I practically dash into her arms.

We stay like that for a while before breaking the embrace. I look over the certificate again, when something catches my eye.

"Antonio Higgins"

I haven't gotten my name changed yet. Shouldn't it say my deadname? I look back at Medda, confused.

"Do you not remember me going to get your name changed?" I shake my head. "Oh. It was back in October. How do you not remember?"

"I don't think you ever told me."

"Hm." She shrugs. 

"So...I'm not..."

"You're officially Antonio now, yes." 

And the tears are back, stronger than before. This time, I fall to the ground. When I look back up, Medda, Jack, and Charlie are all there.

My family.

My official family.

Best. Fucking. Christmas. Ever.


	55. Chapter 55

I can't stop smiling for the rest of the day. I finally belong somewhere. I no longer have to worry about being taken to a new home. I no longer have to worry about being deadnamed.

After spending the whole day with my family, I grab my phone, opening the groupchat with Spot, Albert, and I.

"GUYS HOLY FUCK GUESS WHAT"

-Albert: WHAT

-Spot: ?

"I GOT FORMALLY ADOPTED FOR CHRISTMAS"

-Spot: HOLY SHIT

"A N D"

-Albert: AND?????

"I GOT MY NAME LEGALLY CHANGED"

-Albert: OHMYGOD

-Spot: TONI THATS AMAZING

"IM SHAKINF"

"don't you dare"

-Spot: shakinf

-Albert: shakinf

"fuck you"

-Spot: love you too

"anYwAy how are your trips" I couldn't deny that I was upset that I didn't get to spend Christmas with the loves of my life, but oh well.

-Albert: my brother already has food poisoning lmao

"JANSJSJ WHAT"

-Spot: i-

-Spot: mine is fine

-Albert: it's kinda funny cuz he's a dick so now he gets punished

-Spot: isn't your brother homophobic?

-Albert: yeah😔

-Spot: ew

"ew"

-Albert: my whole family is🤩 except my mom 

"stan ur mom"

-Spot: my family said they'd disown me if they found out i was gay so

-Albert: wtf

"well you always have a place to stay here. we have room"

-Spot: i know. they haven't found out yet

-Albert: what do they do when you go on dates with us?

-Spot: i tell them im going to study or work on a project

"smart"

It pains me to know that they have to hide. Apparently Davey's parents are the same. At least his  
siblings are accepting though.

My eyes begin to droop and my head hits my pillow. I forgot to do my nightly routine, but I brush it off and slowly drift off to sleep.


	56. Chapter 56

Two days later, Spot is back home! Albert will still be on vacation for New Years, which kind of upsets me, but as long as he's happy, I'm happy.

But of course, as soon as I saw Spot, I wrapped him in the biggest hug imaginable, kissing him.

"Jesus, Toni, I haven't been gone that long!" He laughs.

"I know. Missed you." I rest my chin on the top of his head. "Short fuck." 

He elbows me in the side for that, causing us both to laugh. 

"Say that again and I'm divorcing you."

"Spottie we're not married yet."

"We're a little married."

"I know. And I love it." I say, kissing him again.

We decide to go to my house, since his family is homophobic. It still pisses me off how uneducated they are, and I brush it off as I enter the house. No one else is home, so we climb on the couch, looking for a movie to watch.

Once we decide on one, we relax in each other's arms. There are barely any words exchanged, just touch. It's comforting, and I eventually stop watching the movie, burying my face in the crook of Spot's neck. My love language is touch, what can I say? 

"Toni, are you watching?" I give him a hum in response, putting my legs over his lap. "I'm taking that as a no." He giggles, stroking the back of my head. My whole body softens, and all of my problems disappear, for just a moment.

But of course, we eventually hear the door unlock. In comes Medda and Charlie. I'm assuming Jack is with Davey. Charlie sees us cuddling on the couch and smirks. 

"That's kinda gay." He jokes. "Get a fucking room." I sit up and playfully slap him on the arm. He responds with a pillow to my face, which causes me to fall back into Spot's lap. 

"Spot's just watching this shit go down like "What the fuck-"" Charlie gets cut off by Spot throwing a pillow at him, almost causing him to fall off of his crutches. "Oh. It's. On."

And that's how a pillow fight breaks out. Spot ends up winning, of course. We're all laughing our asses off.

"And the winner is, Shit Condom!" Charlie announces through wheezes.

"The fuck did you just call me?" Spot turns to Charlie, grabbing another pillow.

"NO FUCK I'M SORRY PLEASE SPARE ME MY LIFE!" Charlie begs, trying not to laugh. That doesn't stop Spot from throwing a pillow at his face. "Asshole." At this point, I'm laughing so hard that I'm crying.

And this is when Jack comes home with Davey. He stops in his tracks after seeing Charlie and I in the floor, Spot standing over us with three pillows in his hands, and all of us laughing.

"Do I wanna know?" Davey sighs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shit condom <3


	57. Chapter 57

Spot and I sneak upstairs to my room while Charlie attempts to explain what just went down. Once the door closes, I get shoved on my bed, almost hitting my head on the bed frame. Spot lays down next to me with a smirk, wrapping his arm around my waist. I scoot closer to him, resting my head against his.

It's calming. Comforting.

We stay like that, completely silent, for a while. Just taking in each other's presence.

But we eventually get bored with the quiet. I sit up, and move to the record player that I got for Christmas. Spot follows me, looking at the records as I flip through them.

"Hm. You got good taste." He kneels down text to me as I pull out the album Oh My Heart, putting the vinyl in the player. 

(yes race listens to mother mother yes this is me projecting)

I move back to my bed as the music starts, closing my eyes. I feel the bed shift as Spot sits next to me. I put an arm around his shoulders, opening my eyes to look at him. 

I get flashbacks to that one night with Al. He introduced me to a lot of good music. Like, a lot. Now I can't listen to a single song by Arctic Monkeys without thinking of him.

It hits different when you're already dating, though. When you don't have to worry about accidentally showing your feelings and getting too close.

These thoughts run though my mind as Spot and I are laying down, nose-to-nose. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I never started dating them.

Probably depressing.

And as I feel a pair of lips against mine, I can't stop thinking about how lucky I am.


	58. Chapter 58

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw panic attack. no happiness for race. he's in spain without the s

And soon enough we fall asleep in each other's arms. Spot if timed his parents that he would be staying over and we were good to go. It was amazing. Everything was peaceful.

That is, until I hear the rumble of thunder in the distance. 

I jolt out of bed, eyes widened. I see a flash of lightning in my peripheral vision, and then another rumble of thunder. My heart rate starts to accelerate, sweat dripping down my forehead. I look back at Spot for a moment. He's still asleep. How can he sleep through storms? 

I try to get out of bed, but my knees give out under me. Fuck.

Crack

I crawl over to my door, resting my head against it. My chest feels tight.

Rumble

My hand starts to scratch my arm as I start to shake uncontrollably. I can't breathe. My head is spinning.

Crack

I let out a small whimper, curling into a ball as tears stream down my face. My nails dig into my arm, drawing a little blood.

Crack 

Someone's talking to me, but they sound a thousand miles away.

Rumble

The lights turn on. I squint my eyes, burying my face in my knees.

"Toni?"

A hand moves to my shoulder, and I jump ten feet in the air.

"Shit, sorry." 

I try to focus my vision on the blob in front of me. Short, dark hair. Red tank top. Tan skin.

"Breathe, baby. You're alright."

Spot? I wipe my eyes, and my vision is less shaky. Sure enough, Spot is kneeling in front of me.

Crack

I jump at the sound of thunder. Spot starts to reach towards me, but pulls his hand back at the last second. 

"You're okay. No one's gonna hurt ya."

I try to look him in the eyes.

"Can you name five things that you can see?" 

I look around the room, trying to force words out. They don't come. I just point instead. Bed, record player, poster, stuffed animal, Spot.

"Four things you can hear?"

Him, wind, my breathing, ventilation.

"You're doing amazing. Three things you can feel?"

My clothes, the wall, the floor.

"Do I need to go on?" I shake my head, scooting towards him. "Can I touch you now? You jumped when I tried earlier."

I nod. "Didn't know who you were." I explain, moving into Spots lap. He lordly wraps his arms around me as I rest my head on his shoulder. 

"Breathe with me. You're alright, Toni." I close my eyes, trying to feel exactly when his chest moves.

"I'm sorry..." I mumble.

"Don't be, honey."

"I woke you up-"

"And it's a damn good thing you did." He leans back, looking me in the eyes. "I don't want you to suffer alone." Spot cups my face with his hand, and I lean into the touch, closing my eyes again. I feel a pair of lips press my forehead before I'm lifted off of the ground and carried back to my bed.

"Thought It'd be more comfortable than the floor." He places me on the bed, grabs a water bottle, and sits next to me. Putting the water bottle in my hands, he starts playing with my curls. The corners of my mouth slightly turn up as I rest my head in Spot's lap.

Maybe it would be okay.


	59. Chapter 59

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw non-graphic mention of blood

We don't fall back asleep. We stay in each other's arms for the rest of the night, silent for most of the time. The last thing we want is to wake everyone else, so we stay at a whisper. Every time a flash of lighting or a rumble of thunder passes by, Spot wraps his arms a little tighter around me for comfort. 

Eventually, the storm subsides. The only remnants are the rain pattering against my window, which calms me.

But then my arm starts to sting. Fuck. I had forgotten about the scratching. Turning away from my boyfriend, I gently roll up the sleeve of my shirt. Of course, I'm greeted to dried blood. Spot peers over my shoulder, tenderly taking my arm in his hand. 

"Toni..." His face twists. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I'm sorry." I turn away from him.

"Don't be." He pushes himself off of the bed, grabbing my other arm. "Let's get that cleaned up."

And so I'm dragged to the bathroom and sat down on the toilet seat while Spot searched for a first-aid kit. He makes a small noice of triumph when he finds it, and walks back over to me. Reaching into the kit, he pulls out some liquid and a rag.

"This will only hurt a little, I promise." What?! Before I can protest, he's already cleaning the dried blood off of my arm. I bite my lip and whimper a bit. He apologizes every time.

After he finally finishes getting it off, he rages out bandages and starts to wrap them around my arm. The marks were a lot deeper than I thought they would be. Once he's done, he pulls my sleeve back down and kisses me on the forehead, telling me that I did great.

"Thanks Spottie," I start, standing up. "But you don't need to baby me." I leave the bathroom before he can respond.

Eventually, we're back in my room, and Spot pulls out his phone. "Fuck. I should probably go so I don't get killed." He looks back up at me, and I lean down to peck him on the lips. We exchange a few last words before he turns on his heel and, reluctantly, leaves.

I already feel lonely. At least, I do until Charlie comes barreling down the hall.


	60. Chapter 60

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: non graphic mention of abuse. there's also a sex joke at the beginning because crutchie is a sassy bitch❤️

"What the-" I squint at the sight. "Charlie, what the hell are you doing?" He stops dead in his tracks and turns to me with a huge grin.

"You- Spot-" He says, trying to catch his breath.

"Yes....?"

"I heard heavy breathing last night. Were y'all..." My face turns into a tomato. 

"NO! WHAT THE FUCK CRUTCHIE!" He's laughing his ass off, using his free arm to stabilize himself against the wall.

"I know, I know. I'm just messing with ya." He heads down the stairs again. "Definitely sounded like you were doing something though." He adds with a wink.

"Shut the hell up." 

We sit down at the table for breakfast, playing with the sleeve of my shirt. Once I remember the bandages, I yank the sleeve back down. Charlie and Jack don't seem to notice. They don't need to know.

Medda brings over four plates of waffles, setting them down in front of us, and we dig in. I think I've been slightly better about eating lately. Not much, but it's something.

"So, Antonio," Medda turns to me, and I lift my head. "I got an email that we should be able to pick up your testosterone gel by January 7th at the latest. What a way to start the new year, huh?" I cover my mouth with my hand to hide the smile that spreads across my face.

"Really?"

"Really. They said it might even be ready by the 2nd."

I start playing with one of the rocks in my pocket. It's one of my favorites, and there's a smooth spot on it where my thumb always rubs. Davey says it's not sanitary. I don't give a fuck. 

Once breakfast is over, I'm on the couch watching Glee with Charlie, though I'm not really paying attention.

I'm hit with the realization that the year is almost over.

I'm hit with the realization that I moved in with the Larkins on April 29th.

I'm hit with the realization that I've been living with the Larkins for exactly 9 months. 

It definitely doesn't feel that long. I guess time really does fly. Hell, you can have a whole ass baby during that time.

I stick the chew stim necklace that Medda got me in my mouth. It's shaped like a bat. I love it.

I feel my eyes start to droop. How can I already be tired? Oh yeah, storm. Forgot about that. I'm honestly surprised that Spot stayed up all night to make sure I'd be okay, and that I wasn't alone.

I think back to when I got confirmation about my name change and adoption.

I think back to the night when Spot and Albert stole the razors from my room.

I think back to when Medda told me that I would be going on testosterone.

I think back to when I had just gotten surgery, and how my boyfriends and family were there with me when I woke up.

I think back to when I was at the diner with Al and Spot, where they were patient with my eating problems.

I think back to when I had to meet them behind the school and they were so worried that they had hurt me.

Back to when I helped Jack and Davey get together, and they've been happy ever since.

Back to when Davey skipped class to help me when I was overstimulated in the school bathroom.

Back to the many laughs I've had with my friends in the library.

Back to when Jack gave me relationship advice and introduced me to the world of polyamory.

Back to when my family gave me a binder.

Back to when Jack and I were on the roof, and he let me rant about space as much as I wanted.

To when Charlie told me that he was also a trans guy, and when he helped me with my dysphoria.

To when Medda took me to the mall and I was so worried about her spending money on me.

To when Medda held me in her arms for the first time.

To the first game night.

To when Charlie came up to my room on my first day of living here with a plate of chocolate chip pancakes and a smile.

To when Jack gave me a tour of the house.

To the excruciatingly long car ride with people that, at the time, I didn't trust.

To when Jack and Charlie were trying to strike up a conversation with me in the foster center.

And back to when I first saw them, my new family, walking down the hallway. 

So much shit has happened during these last few months. It's hard to believe that I used to not trust these people. Now, I owe them my life. Without them...

My dad grabbing me by the throat and slamming me to the floor. My mom taking her final breath in the hospital. Going weeks without food.

I shake my head. That's gone. That's behind me. That wasn't love.

This, where I am right now...

This is what love feels like. And it feels fucking amazing.


	61. Chapter 61

I blink, and it's New Year's Eve.

Time flies, I guess.

Both Spot and Davey come over. I'm surprised their families aren't making them spend the holiday with them. But, I get to see one of the loves of my life, so I'm not complaining.

"Are you serious? I'm third wheeling tonight?" Charlie whines when he sees the two couples on the couch. Jack flips him off in response.

"Don't worry Crutchie, you'll find someone someday!" Davey smiles. Crutchie flops on the couch in the middle of us.

"So are you guys going to the party?" My head perks up.

"What party?" Jack turns to me. 

"Toni, every year on New Year's Eve, Romeo throws a huge party for all of us."

"You should come! It's fucking amazing." Charlie adds. Jack and Spot nod in agreement. Davey scoots over to me, whispering in my ear.

"If you get overwhelmed, we can hang out in the bathroom together. Parties aren't really my forte." He winks before going back to Jack.

"What time is the party?"

"We head over at around 6." Spot starts playing with my hair.

"Okay..."

(time skip brought to you by 🐸)

I look at myself in the mirror one last time. I've never gone to a party before, what do I expect? Grabbing my phone, I look over the checklist I made one last time.

Outfit? Check.

Binder? Check.

Bag? Check.

I open my bag.

Stim toys? Check.

Water? Check.

Phone charger? Check.

//Hotel? Trivago

Everything I need is here. I take a deep breath and head downstairs to see the four other boys, who are already ready.

I look over at Medda, and a pang of guilt hits me. Is she spending New Years alone? 

But, before I can ask her about it, the doorbell rings, and a woman who seems to be the same age as Medda is at the door. The guilt goes away. She's having her own party.

"We're going Mama!" Jack calls out, grabbing his keys.

"Have fun boys!" Medda ruffles our hair, before striking up a conversation with her friend.

And we're off. Jack, Davey, and Charlie are in Jack's car, while Spot and I take Spot's car. 

I like this layout. I like being alone with Spot. 

I think he realizes I'm nervous, because he places his free hand on my shoulder. 

"You alright?" I nod, putting a chew stim in my mouth. "You seem nervous. It's just gonna be our friends." I take the necklace out of my mouth.

"Never been to a party before."

"Well, there's a first time for everything, right?" I twist my face. "Oh, it's not like your stereotypical high school party that you always see in movies. It's just us being dumbasses and playing games together." He both chuckle, and I put the stim toy back in my mouth as Spot turns onto Romeo's street, parking in front of his lawn.

"Come on, Toni!" He kisses my cheek before getting out of the car.


	62. Chapter 62

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw overstimulation

We buzz the doorbell, and wait. 

I hear a thud from inside before Romeo runs over to the door and opens it with a smile.

"AYYY THE GAYS"

"Romeo we're all gay." I hear Specs comment from the living room.

"Shut up." Romeo yells back, before turning to us. "Come on in bitches, we're playing Cards Against Humanity." And with that, he runs back into the living room. Romeo always has so much energy. I love that about him.

Spot and I link hands and head into the living room. A good number of our friends are already circled around two decks of cards. I scan over the group. We're still waiting on Smalls, Buttons, Tommy Boy, and Finch. Albert, Jojo, and Hotshot are still on vacation. I wish they could celebrate with us, but oh well. Spot and I join the circle, waiting for the next round to start.

It isn't long before we're all laughing so hard we're crying. I haven't played Cards Against Humanity until now, and I've missed so fucking much. 

Once everyone gets to Romeo's house, we play a few more rounds before heading to the basement. Romeo turns on strobe lights, which make Davey and I cover our eyes. No one seems to notice. 

Music starts blaring before I know it. I see Davey pull headphones out of his bag. That was smart. I didn't bring mine. I can already feel my skin start to crawl, but I shake the feeling off and head over to the couch, climbing in Spot's lap. 

"Toni, I literally just sat down." He chuckles, bringing a hand to the back of my head. "Not gonna enjoy the party?" I hum in response, taking in the scent of his shirt. The loud music still makes me queasy, but when my face is buried in my boyfriend's shirt, the light don't bother me as much.

We stay there for a while. Everything just gets louder and louder. There's a game of spin the bottle, followed by truth or dare. 

So loud. Too loud. 

Spot leaves the couch to join the games and get snacks. Now the lights are bothering me again.

"Hey, Toni! Come play with us!" Elmer waves. I guess there's no getting out of this one. I mean, I don't wanna ruin the party.

Deep breaths Antonio.

I put on a smile and join the group. They stopped playing truth or dare a while ago. I have no clue what they're playing now.

I don't even get a turn before I'm asking to go to the bathroom.

"Have fun. Don't die." Romeo jokingly elbows me in the side. Davey notices me leaving from his spot on the stairs, and follows me to the bathroom.

I sink down to the bathroom floor, covering my ears with my hands. Davey is soon beside me, trying to help me breathe and calm down.

It stings.

But I eventually calm down enough to where I don't have to press my hands against my ears anymore. To where my skin doesn't feel like a million bugs are crawling across it. To where the bathroom lights don't make me want to gouge my eyes out. The chew necklace goes back in my mouth.

"Are you alright?" Davey asks, softly. I nod, cracking my knuckles. He hums for a moment. "Ready to head back downstairs?" I immediately shake my head. The flashing lights and the loud music is too much. "Well, can I stay here with you? I'll tell them we're going to be up here for a little." I fidget with the buttons of my shirt as Davey stands up and leaves.

It isn't long before he comes back, snacks in hand. 

"They understand why we're leaving and they're sorry for making it too much."

"No...sorry..." I can barely get the words out. 

"Trust me, it used to be a lot worse." Davey takes out a stim toy of his own.

It's almost completely quiet, which helps me feel better. I look over at the clock, and it's already 9:30. I was told we were sleeping over.

After another hour, I decide to head back downstairs. The music isn't blaring anymore, and the lights aren't too much either. They really changed it for me? 

I'm greeted back downstairs with a peck on the cheek. The music turns off, and the TV changes to Disney +

"Let me guess, we're feeding Romeo's Disney hyperfixation?" Smalls turns to Romeo, who responds with a cheeky grin.

He flips on the couch, turns the volume down, and scrolls through movies. Everyone is yelling at him to pick a certain one. My hands are back on my ears.

But soon the yelling stops and we've decided on Hercules. I've never seen a Disney movie. My parents didn't let me, and I never bothered to ask Medda. Everyone seems to know all the words. I just sink back into Spot's arms. We were one of the few lucky ones who scored a spot on the couch.

I can't deny that the movie is amazing. And I also can't deny that seeing my friends this happy makes me feel better. But it was soon 11:50. 

Romeo changes the TV from Disney + to a countdown, and everyone gets into position. Romeo's parents are out for the night. I wonder if they know their son is throwing a party.

"If anyone would like to say anything before this shitty year is over, speak now or forever hold your peace."

And that sparks a bunch of mini speeches from everyone. Including me. I've never made a speech on the spot before, but I don't think I did too shabby. 

I talk about my mom dying. I talk about getting abused, and then getting adopted. I talk about learning to trust people again. About finding out what love really is.

11:59.

I watch the clock on the TV.

5...

4...

3...

2...

1...

And then I feel the familiar feeling of Spot's lips crash against mine as the clock strikes midnight.


	63. Chapter 63

The rest of the night is a blur. Before I know it, I'm passed out on Romeo's couch.

When I wake up, most of my friends have already left. The only people who are still here are me, Spot, Specs, Elmer, and obviously Romeo.

We're all quiet as we start to change out of our night clothes and get ready to leave. Elmer's mom gets here pretty fast, so we're down to four. Specs doesn't look like he's leaving anytime soon.

And soon, Spot and I are grabbing our bags and leaving. I'm walking out of the door when I notice Specs leaning down to peck Romeo on the cheek. I smile to myself. Charlie owes me ten bucks.

My head is pounding as I climb into the passenger seat of Spot's car. It's been like that all day. Probably from the lights and the noise. I rest my head against the window and groan, which makes my boyfriend chuckle a little.

"Well, I can certainly tell you've never been to a party before." He jokes, ruffling my hair.

Technically I haven't, unless you count the many parties my parents hosted. They weren't really parties, just my dad's friends coming to our house to drink. The memory causes a shiver to go up my spine. 

The ride home is mostly quiet, and we exchange one last kiss before Spot pulls out of my driveway and leaves. I watch his car go until I can't see it anymore. 

I'm then greeted to a pair of arms around my waist and the scent of perfume. Medda.

"Morning honey. Did you have a good time?" I nod. She doesn't need to know about me getting overwhelmed. "That's good. Did you have breakfast yet? I think Jack and Charlie ate, but they said you were still asleep when they left." 

"Yes, Medda, I ate. Don't worry." I lie.

"Good. Also, your testosterone should be ready tomorrow!" Suddenly I forget about the pain in my head. That's also when Albert comes home. "Now, go get some rest, okay?"

And so I lock myself in my room. Not because I'm upset, I just need to be alone for a bit. Maybe it'll help with the headache. And then I'm reminded of the bet. I send a quick text to Charlie.

I hear a groan come from the other room. Five minutes later, a $10 bill is slipped under my door, along with a drawing of a middle finger. I can hear Charlie mutter "bitch" before the sound of his crutches slowly becomes quieter and quieter.


	64. Chapter 64

I don't know when I fell asleep, but I'm woken up to someone gently shaking me. I rub my eyes as I sit up. It's Medda.

"Ready to get your testosterone?" She smiles, ruffling my hair. I nod, climbing out of bed and running to the bathroom. Daily routine time. It's currently 9:32, and we want to get there before noon. I think Medda wants to do some kind of celebratory lunch.

Shower, skincare, get dressed, hair, breakfast, brush teeth, grab anything else I need, get into the car.

I'm in the car by 10:58. We might be able to get in early. I can barely sit still on the ride over. Everything I've always hated about myself, every feminine feature, will go away. I won't have to think about it for that much longer.

We pull into the parking lot of the pharmacy, and I leave the car as quickly as possible. The line isn't that long, and I can barely contain my excitement.

Once we're at the front of the line, there's a small conversation between Medda and the person behind the desk. And before I know it, a box full of Androgel packets are placed in front of me. I gingerly take it in my hands, looking over it. I keep staring at it as we walk out of the pharmacy and back into Medda's car. This shit is like gold to me.

"Make sure you read the instructions, honey." Medda tells me. "We don't want to do something wrong and have the gel go to waste." Right. I open the box and take a moment to look over the packets. I already know what i'm supposed to do, I think. I've done a shit ton of research.

Open the packet, apply the gel to your shoulder, abdomen, or upper arms. Wash you hands thoroughly after applying. Apply the gel at around the time every day. We planned on starting tomorrow. I can't wait. I open my phone to tell my fellow trans friends the news.

To: DOWN WITH THE CIS

"GUESS WHO JUST GOT HIS TESTOSTEROOOOONE"

-Romeo: HOLY SHIT

-Davey: Yay!

-Romeo: D U D E

-Smalls: :0

-Crutchie: AYYY

-Crutchie: WELCOME TO THE CLUB MY GAY

-Crutchie: *guy

-Crutchie: eh still works

-Romeo: im too scared to bring it up to my parents they barely accept me

-Romeo: and they're barely around

-Davey: You guys have accepting parents?

-Smalls: :(

-Crutchie: :(

-Romeo: :(

"aw i'm sorry that your parents are assholes"

-Davey: It's fine. I move out in a year.

The fact that there are people out there that force their kids into hiding because of their stupid opinions makes me so fucking angry. It's not like we can control it. But they'll be free from their parents grasp one day. They'll be able to be their true self.


	65. Chapter 65

The next day, I almost immediately ran outside after getting ready. Albert got home yesterday. He was going to pick Spot and I up. It's only been a few days, but I missed him so much.

And when I see the familiar grey car pull into my driveway, I can't hold back the grin. Al bolts out of the car and wraps me in an embrace, lifting me off of the ground a little.

"Hey, dumbass." He whispers, pressing his forehead to mine.

"Hey fucker." I whisper back, running my hand through his hair.

"I missed you." 

"I missed you too." He smiled before completely transferring me to his arms, bridal style, and carrying me to the car.

"Albie I can walk-"

"Shush." The ginger places me in the passenger seat and climbs into the drivers. Before we take off, he wraps an arm around my shoulders and gives me a quick kiss. 

And then we're on the road to Spot's house. I fill him in on everything that happened while he was gone, stuff that I didn't already tell him over text.

Once we actually get to Spot's house, the same thing goes down. I stay in the car, watching my boyfriends have their moment. It makes me so happy to see them like this. Spot climbs in the backseat, putting his hands on my shoulders.

"Miss me?"

"I saw you two days ago, Spottie."

"And?" He pecks me on the seat before putting his seatbelt on. "Where we goin, ginger?"

"You'll see."

"Are you gonna kill us?" I joke.

"Replace the l's with s's and maybe." He flirts back. I bury my face in my hands, a dumb grin on my face.


	66. Chapter 66

He drives for hours. I don't even recognize where we are anymore, but I cant stop staring out the window for some kind of sign. White snow coats the world like a blanket. 

He pulls into the parking lot of some kind of park. Jumping out of the car, we head to the middle of the area. I'm not sure why Al brought us here. What are we even doing?

I hear a snicker. "Hey, Toni!" Spot yells. Before I get the chance to turn around, a snowball hits me in the lower back. 

"Oh. It's. Fucking. On." I smirk, grabbing some snow next to me and chucking it at him. It hits his arm.

While Spot and I are pelting snowballs at each other, I feel a rush of cold down my back. I turn around to see Albert with an amused look on his face. Did he just put snow down my shirt? Fucker. I grab some snow and hit him in the face with it. He wipes it off with a grin before running to tackle Spot, pinning him to the cold ground.

"Asshole!" Spot kicks Al in the nuts and stands up. Now Albert's on the ground.

"I guess that's one perk of being trans." I giggle, which is cut off by another snowball. I'm not sure who threw it, but I throw one at both of them.

And so we're fucking around in the snow for a few hours. Mostly just snowball fights, but I also made a snowman. His name is Todd.

Needless to say, when we got in the car, we were all shivering. But, Albert brought blankets as well, and there's a coffee shop nearby. The blankets only help a little bit, since our clothes are soaked. But I've never had that much fun in the snow before. When I was living with my parents, I wasn't really allowed to go and play in the snow.

Spot and Albert get coffee. I get hot cocoa. They told me I was precious for that. The drinks warm us up in the long car ride home. I'm on the verge of falling asleep, but I pull myself awake every time my eyes start to droop.

Spot gets dropped off at his house since his parents wanted him home. It's sad, but I know damn well we'll be facetiming later. Albert drives me to my house, but gets out of the car with me. 

"May I?" I nod, grabbing his wrist and pulling him into the house. Medda, who's in the kitchen, immediately notices us as we come in.

"Hello you two!" Her eyes drift to our soaked clothes. They didn't dry much when we were in the car. "Do you want a change of clothes? It'll be better than sitting around in cold, wet clothes." It wasn't really a question, cause she goes over to get some clothes. "I think you and Jack wear the same size. I'm sure he won't mind."

I tug on Albert's sleeve. "I still have your hoodie if you want that." He shakes his head.

"That's for you." Al winks as he takes the clothes from Medda. "Thank you so much."

"Don't mention it, honey."

We walk up to my room, and I look through my closet. I pull out some sweatpants and Albert's hoodie. Once I grab the clothes, I give Al a look that says "please turn around." I don't want to change while he's watching. He doesn't seem to understand what I'm asking at first, but a minute later it looks like something clicked in his mind. He covers his eyes and faces the wall.

"Thank you." I say, gently, as I take off my soaked shirt, throwing it to the side. 

"Take your binder off." 

"Ughhh fiiine." I maneuver myself out of the binder and throw that to the side as well.

"Good. Don't want you hurting yourself."

"But dysphoria is a bitch." I whine, pulling the hoodie over my head.

"I know, Toni. I know." 

I pull on the sweatpants. "You can turn around now." And he does. 

"My turn." He doesn't even ask me to turn around before slipping off his wet shirt. And I definitely didn't look at his abs. He doesn't seem to notice. 

Now that we're in dry clothes, we move to my bed. He rests his head against mine as we watch some random shit on his phone. I can feel my eyes starting to droop again. This time, I don't stop myself. I let myself relax against Albert, gently snoring.


	67. Chapter 67

When I wake up, I'm still snuggled against Albert. He hasn't woken up yet, so I just admire him in silence for a bit. Every feature, from the way his nose curves to the freckles that covered his whole body. The way his hair is all over the place. How fluffy and soft his hair is. The way his chest rises and falls. God I'm so fucking gay.

He shifts on the bed, groaning slightly and rubbing his eyes. I see him sit up and stretch before turning around to look at me. He smiles softly once our eyes meet.

"Mornin sleepyhead." I sit up and lean against him. He moves his hand to play with my hair. I love it when Spot and Al do that. Not sure why. 

When I look over at my chair, it looks like Medda already washed and dried our clothes from yesterday. Albert gets up and changes into his old clothes. Maybe I watch the whole thing, maybe I don't. That's a secret you'll never know. He turns around while I change. It helps with dysphoria. I don't want him to know what I actually look like. 

I see the packet of testosterone on my desk, and I take off my shirt to apply it on my shoulder. My binder is on, but it still feels awkward to have Albert watch me do this. When I turn around, he seems happy for me. He walks over, kisses me on the cheek, grabs my hand, and pulls me downstairs.

Breakfast is ready. Medda has already prepared plates for us. Once we eat, Al has to go back home. It's sad to see him go. I would spend every hour of every day with him and Spot if I could.

The next few hours are pretty calm. That is, until we hear frantic knocks at the door. And when Jack opened the door, I almost didn't believe who was there. My hand flew over my mouth.


	68. Chapter 68

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw transphobia, implied abuse

If I told you this was the first time that Davey has showed up at my house unexpectedly, I'd be lying.

If I told you this was the first time that Davey has showed up at my house with tear-stained cheeks, a black eye, and a few bags in hand, I'd be telling the truth.

He sniffed as Jack cupped his cheek with his hand, wiping away tears with his thumb.

"Dave, baby, what the hell happened to you?" Jack says, softly. Davey seems like he's trying to speak, but can't get words out. I've been in that situation too many times. Jack and I bring Davey over to the couch, setting his bags on the floor. Medda brings over an ice pack for the black eye. He doesn't seem to have any other injuries, which is good.

"Talk to us, sweetie. Take your time. We want to help you." Medda gently holds the ice pack to his eye. Davey slightly tenses up at the cold, and Jack squeezes his hand.

"Mama...Papa..." He mumbles, taking the ice pack from Medda. Jack's face turns from worried to stern.

"What the fuck did they do to you."

"Found out..." He bites his lip.

"That you're trans?" 

Davey nods. We all share knowing glances to each other. Charlie goes and grabs a fluffy blanket, wrapping it around Davey's shoulders.

"The bags..." I observe. "Did they kick you out?"

Davey nods again, a small sob escaping his lips.

"And they hit you..."

"Mhm."

"Oh my god..." Jack gently wraps his arms around his boyfriend, pressing a kiss to his cheek.

"Can...can I..." Davey looks at Medda.

"Of course you can stay with us, sweetie. Stay as long as you need."

"Thank you."

"You can sleep in my room." Jack turns his whole body to the brunette. "It's not like you've never done it before." The two of them grab Davey's bags and head upstairs.

I'm so fucking angry, but I have to contain it. I can't just lash out, especially not now. I take a few deep breaths as I hear the door to Jack's room close.

Well, at least Davey is in a safe, accepting environment now. That's what's important, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am so sorry


	69. Chapter 69

My face twists as I think of all the horrible things that Davey's parents said and did to him. He's one of the kindest people I know. He doesn't deserve this bullshit. I need to do something to make him feel better. Anything. Running a hand though my hair, my eyes move to the kitchen, and a light turns on in my head.

I've always loved baking and cooking. I've been doing it as long as I can remember. Just think of 3-year-old me standing on a stool and helping my mom stir the pot.

God I miss her.

But maybe those memories will come in handy now.

I head over to the pantry, looking at the ingredients we have. I have no clue what Davey would like. Grabbing armfuls of ingredients, I sigh. I hope chocolate chip cookies would be enough.

Alright. I've made these too many times to count. Sugar, butter, flour... 

(haha see what i did there  
anyways time skip)

I don't take my eyes off of the cookies while they're in the oven. I can't let them burn. Opening the oven, I grab the tray of cookies, forgetting to get kind of protection. My face scrunches a bit at the heat, but I quickly put the tray down and run cold water over my hands. They weren't on the tray long enough to be badly burnt.

I let the cookies cool for a bit before transferring them to a plate. Jack's door is locked when I get upstairs. They probably don't want anyone coming in. I won't be long. I gently knock on the door. It takes a few moments for the lock to click and the door to open slowly. Jack is standing in the door frame.

"Toni, kid. I love ya, but we're-" His eyes drift to the plate of cookies. 

"I-er-uh...made these. Thought they might make Davey feel better..." I hear the bed creak. Before I know it, Davey is standing behind Jack. He looks slightly better than he did when he showed up at our front door.

"Toni, you didn't have to-" He pauses for a bit before meeting my eyes. "Thank you."

"Of course." I hand the plate over to Jack. "I'll leave you guys alone now." The door closes and the lock clicks. Hopefully they help, even just a little. I let out a sigh and go to my bedroom, flopping on my bed with a groan.


	70. Chapter 70

There weren't a lot of interesting things that happened over the next few months, so we're gonna fast forward to late April. But before we get into that, let's to a quick recap of what happened during those few months. 

First, let's start with testosterone. My voice has gotten noticeably deeper, though there are a lot of voice cracks nowadays, and I've noticed a few small changes in my appearance as well. I've developed acne because of it, but it's not super bad. I'm so fucking happy. It's working.

I turned 16 in February! I was thrown a huge party, which was foreign to me since I never had birthday parties with my biological family. But, I was extremely grateful.

I actually got to celebrate Valentine's day. Spot, Albert, and I went to the movies and got ice cream. It was amazing. I love those guys so much.

I passed the one-year anniversary of the Larkin's taking me in! It definitely doesn't feel like that long. Jack, Charlie, and Medda threw me a celebration.

My friends gave me the nickname "Race." Basically, I was ranting about space one day, and Jojo commented on how my "mind was racing." And then Race Higgins was born. I've joined the squad of weird nicknames. I like it.

I'm currently 3 weeks clean of self-harm! It hasn't been easy at all, but I have a great support system now. Eating has also been easier.

Since Davey was out of his transphobic household, he was also able to get a binder and start testosterone. He cried when we told him the news. He's been doing a lot better, though he misses his siblings.

Albert, Spot, and I went on dates almost every weekend. Most of them were just coming over to my house to hang out, but sometimes we'd get dragged somewhere new. We go back to that arcade that our first date was at all the time. At least twice a month. 

My therapist diagnosed me with ADHD and PTSD. Everything started making sense after I got diagnosed. It just fell into place. 

Medda signed me up for dance classes! She caught me watching different dance shows, and she talked to me about classes. It's been great. I love it.

April Fools Day with my friends is amazing. There are pranks being pulled left and right. We were all a laughing mess at the end of the day.

Jack got accepted into his dream school! I'm gonna hate to see him leave, but he'll be close. And he'll be happy. Davey also got accepted into his dream school. They're staying near us, but it'll be weird not seeing them everyday. But it'll be okay. I still have a bunch of my friends with me. Jack, Davey, Finch, Tommy Boy, and Hotshot are all graduating in a few months, and they're leaving to go to school in August. The thought of them leaving pains me.

But basically, the past few months have been amazing. I've never been at a better mental state than I am right now. I can't help but wonder where I would be right now if my dad had never gotten arrested. 

Probably dead.


	71. Chapter 71

School has simultaneously gotten more stressful and less stressful at the same time. I don't have to worry about being the outcast anymore, since i've been at the school long enough. But school ends in less than two months. That means a shit ton of tests. So, I arrive at the library a little earlier to get some extra studying in. It's hard to focus when my friends are causing chaos.

I feel like I've gotten more observant lately. Every moment I spend around someone, I notice something I never noticed before. Like the way Finch always fiddles with his shirt. Or how Spot would always make sure everyone had something to eat. The little things that I'm not sure if anyone else notices. Something new everyday.

Katherine bursts through the library door with a triumphant grin on her face. "Guess who finished that article I was so worried about!" Cheers erupt from my friends.

Oh, that reminds me. I forgot to mention that I joined the newspaper club. It gave me something to do, and most of my friends were doing it, so I decided to give it a shot. I'm not great at writing or editing or anything that really has to do with the paper, but I enjoy spending time with the people I love, as well as new people.

Joining the newspaper club has led to me meeting a bunch of amazing people. We have Ink, who's one of Jack's art friends. I think I'm the closest to them, probably since they're really close to Jack. We also have Alec, Clementine, Jamie, Flynn, and Robin. I'm not super close to them, but they're still amazing people to be around. 

Which reminds me, I have the club this afternoon.


	72. Chapter 72

When the bell rings, I dash down to the library, which is where the newspaper club is held. Nobody else is there yet, so I take my sweet time getting settled before everyone else comes in.

I love this club and everyone in it. I pull out my computer and start working on an article. As I said before, I'm not the best writer, but that's why we have editors, right?

I was supposed to write about the different events happening at the end of the school year. Prom, senior prank day, etc. I might have gone a little off-topic, but I think it's fine. 

I stare at the cursor blinking on the screen for a few minutes before spinning around in my chair. At the table next to me, Jack, Ink, and Alec were all working hard on drawings for the paper. It's my duty to annoy them. I move my writing station to their table with a smirk. Alec perks up.

"Hey Racer!"

"Sup Alec. Whatcha doin?" I lean forward.

"Drawing."

"I can see that, bitch." I raise an eyebrow. Ink playfully hits me on the arm. I scoff. "Wow. Rude much?" 

"Race if you're just here to annoy us-"

"That's my job." I smile, leaning back in my seat. Too far. I fall on my back as the artists lose their shit. 

I stand up raising my hands to the air. "I'm okay!" I announce, picking my chair up and sitting back down.

God I love it here. We only meet for an hour a week, but it goes by in the blink of an eye. Probably cause it's always a shit ton of fun. Before I know it, I'm dancing in the parking lot, waiting for Jack to unlock the car. He stares at me, unamused.

"Dance with me, Jackie." 

"In your dreams, racefuck." Charlie snorts.

"Racefuck Bitchgins-Larkin. I like it." I sprawl across the backseat of the car as the engine hums.


	73. Chapter 73

The weekend comes sooner than expected. I almost forgot about the fair due to the amount of schoolwork I needed to get done, plus newspaper club things and dance classes.

But a well-deserved break was here, and I fiddle with my thumbs as I see Spot's car pull into my driveway, Albert already in the passenger seat.

I'm greeted to kisses and laughs. The two of them are talking about all of the things they wanted to do. I just sat and listened. They seemed so excited, and that made my heart full.

It's about a fifteen minute drive until we get to the fair. The flashy lights and movement catch my eye immediately. I could feel the joy radiating from this place.

Spot and Albert drag me inside the fair. We have to get tickets first, so we can go on the rides, but soon enough, we're on our way. 

I look around myself. This looks like a great place to get overwhelmed at. Hopefully I won't get too overwhelmed. I don't want to ruin this day for Spot and Albert. 

I'm pulled over to one of the rides. I don't catch the name, since I'm distracted by the ride spinning. I haven't eaten anything, so I shouldn't throw up. Once the people on the ride get off, we're let on. We get strapped in and soon we're off.

I barely felt myself spinning. I was expecting it to be so much worse. The knot in my stomach begins to loosen when we get off the ride. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad after all.

(time skip brought to you by 🐐)

Three hours, eleven games, and too many rides to count later, Albert leads us over to the ferris wheel. 

"The ferris wheel?" I question. "How cliche." He jabs me in the side with his elbow and we all laugh. Spot me laugh seems forced, but we get on the ride before I get the chance to ask him about it. We climb in the tiny carriage, and before long, the ride lurches forward.

Slowly, we make out way to the top. The sun is starting to set, and the view of the lights in the dark sky looks amazing. It almost takes my breath away. I feel a strong arm grab onto me. Spot isn't looking at the view beneath us. 

"Spottie?" I wrap my arm around his waist. He curls into my side. "You alright?" He doesn't respond, just buries his face in my shirt with a wince. Maybe he's afraid of heights. Why didn't he tell us?

The wheel goes around a few more times before we get off. Turns out he was, in fact, afraid of heights. He just never told us cause he didn't want to get teased about it. 

We get food after that. We've gone on almost all of the rides at least three times, so we've decided it's time to wind down. While Spot and Albert order, I'm in charge of the belongings. I think they didn't want me looking at the calories. Smart.

I smile as I look down at the masses of stuffed animals next to me. We've discovered that Spot is a master at the games, and now we have more prizes than we know what to do with. They come back with the food and we pile back into Spot's car, saying one last goodbye to the fair. We'll probably come back before it leaves, though. My hand goes to my pocket, instinctively looking for rocks. I didn't bring them. I didn't want them to fall and get lost. Dammit.


	74. Chapter 74

Test after test after test. Projects and quizzes galore. Essays, science labs, and other various assignments kept piling up as we neared the end of the school year. 

But eventually, all of the end-of-year things were finished. We were able to sit back and relax for the last few weeks. Time almost doesn't seem real. We were able to publish a bunch of school newspapers, and they've been a hit. I'm proud of all the work we've done.

Flash forward to June 21st. The last day of my sophomore year. 

When I head downstairs, I notice Jack and Davey looking extra sentimental. Of course, I can't blame them. It's their last day of high school ever. The last day all of us will hang out in the corner of the library.

I think back to when Jack and Charlie first introduced me to their friends. I was so scared. Little did I know that they would become my best friends ever. 

That's why we get to school extra early. We have a celebration for the people graduating, and play a bunch of games as a mini-graduation party. I can tell they're trying not to cry.

We barely do anything in our classes. Most of it is reminiscing on the past school year, and discussing what we would be doing over the summer. I didn't know if any vacations, but I have a feeling we'll be going somewhere, since Jack will be moving out in August. 

Shit. That still hurts to think about. He's going to NYU, so he'll be close, but I won't be able to walk down the hallway and ask for advice. I won't be able to rant about space while he paints.

Paint. For my birthday, Jack had painted me a beautiful space scene. I guess something will always be there to remind me of him. 

Why am I acting like he's gonna die? Plus, I'll still have Charlie and Medda. And Romeo, and Specs, and Spot, and Albert, and Elmer, and all of my friends by my side. It won't be too bad. 

Davey was going to Columbia. Of course we was going to an Ivy League, he's smart as hell. But that also means that Jack and Davey won't get to see each other as often. I know that just hurt. I wonder how I'm gonna feel in two years, when Spot, Albert, and I go off to our respective collages. I wonder if we'll still be together by then. 

Everybody in the school congregates in the lobby for the final countdown. My friends and I form one huge group hug. 

"Five!"

I think back to my first day. Lost and confused.

"Four!"

I think about how quickly they accepted me into their friend group. They acted like they had known me their whole lives.

"Three!"

I think about all my friends, my family, that would be graduating and going to college. 

"Two!"

God, I'm gonna miss them. We better make this summer last.

"One!"

The bell rings, and cheers erupt throughout the halls as students storm out of the building. I notice Jack, Davey, and the other seniors taking a few deep breaths before exiting Union High for the last time. I wonder how they feel right now.


	75. Chapter 75

The next weekend was the graduation ceremony. All of the families got cramped together on the bleachers in the gym as we waited for the students to walk across the stage. I looked around to find my friends. All of them were here. 

But I didn't get the chance to go over to them, because as soon as I saw where they were, a young boy tapped me on the shoulder. Confused, I looked up at him, his brunette curls falling in front of his face.

Les?

I never saw the youngest Jacobs much, usually just whenever we'd go over to Davey's house. I haven't seen him at all since Davey moved in with us. He seemed worried.

"What's bothering' ya, kid?" I ask, motioning for him to sit down next to me. "Where are your parents?" 

"Didn't come." I wasn't surprised. They disowned Davey, and I knew Sarah was gay as well. Why would they come to their graduation? How did Les get here?

"How'd ya get here? Did they drop you off?" Les shook his head, pulling his knees to his chest. "Did they drive you?" Another shake of the head. "Did you get someone to drive you here?"

"Nope."

"So you walked." 

"Yeah. I was told not to go, but I didn't want to miss this." He starts fidgeting with the buttons on his shirt. The wall from his house and the school is a long and dangerous one. How did Les get here unhurt? 

"I can't blame you for not wanting to miss your siblings' graduation, but that's a dangerous journey."

"I know. That's partially why mama yelled at me." He bites his lip once he finished the sentence.

"Partially?" Les stayed silent. "If you don't wanna talk about it, you don't have to, but-"

"I can like both girls and guys, right?" He blurted out before moving his hand to chew on his fingernails. 

"Of course, why?" I begun to worry about what Esther might have told him.

"Mama said-"

"Well, she's wrong." I cut him off. 

"I'm scared to go home." The kid admits. "After what she did to Davey..." I turn to Medda, who nods.

"Wanna stay with us for a bit?" Les perks up. "We can transform the guest room into a bedroom, and once Jack and Davey move out you can have that room."

"Really?"

"Of course. I'm sure Sarah will bring you your stuff."

"Thank you!" He smiles for the first time since this conversation began. I wrap an arm around his shoulders as the ceremony starts.

Hundreds of students are lined up, wearing black gowns and caps. I tried to find some of my friends, but I couldn't see where they were. 

The principal announced different awards first. Davey won valedictorian, of course. Then, the principal gave a speech about how proud he was and blah blah blah. After that, he announced each student, one by one, and they went up to get their diplomas. My friends and I went wild as someone in our group was announced. 

Then, they took us outside. Luckily for us, it wasn't too hot. A few more speeches and performances, and then the students threw their caps in the air. I was carrying Les on my shoulders as we went to go find Jack, Sarah, and Davey. We knew they'd be together. Sarah and Davey seemed shocked, but thankful, that Les was there. He explained the situation and they seemed to understand. I think Davey was happy to be in the same house as his little brother again. Tears were shed by all three of them. 

And tears were shed by our family when Jack pulled us into one, huge hug.

"I didn't think I'd live to see this day." Jack admits, wiping his eyes. "But then I moved in with you guys, and I knew that I would make it."

"We're all so, so proud of you Jack." Medda presses a kiss to his forehead. "You better be coming over for game nights once you move out." 

Jack chuckles. "I'll try my best."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes i made les bi no you can't argue with my hc it's my book


	76. Chapter 76

I don't think there was a single day of summer vacation where I wasn't doing something with the people I love. Whether it was going to the beach with my friends, game nights with Medda, Charlie, Jack, Davey, and Les, or watching the sunset with Spot and Albert, I was always doing something. Which is good, I hate being bored.

The summer went by so fast, and it was amazing. l became even closer to my friend group, and they showed me their favorite places to go during the summer. We helped Les figure out his true identity, and you could see the weight being lifted off his shoulders once we covered the term "bisexual." We offered Sarah the opportunity to move in with us, along with her brothers, but she denied since she'll be going off to college soon anyway.

But soon, August came back around. Jack, Davey, Sarah, all of my friends that were going off to college we're going to move into their dorms. I didn't want them to go, which sounds selfish of me, but it's true. Especially Jack. I think back to when he first gave me a tour around the house. I tried so hard to avoid Medda, Jack, and Charlie. Now, I wish I had spent more time with them. 

The night before he leaves, Jack takes me up to the roof. 

"Remember when you first came," He started. "and you found me painting up here?" I nod. "You started ranting about space condoms or something like that." We both chuckle at that. "Well, I wanted to give something to you." He reaches behind him and pulls out a canvas. It's a beautiful scene of the stars.

It's the painting that he was working on that night. I throw him into a hug, tears spilling down my face.

"I don't want you to go..."

"I know, Toni, I know." He rubs circles on my back. "I won't be far, right? You can always text me or call me. And don't think that I'm not gonna visit you." He pulls away, wiping tears from my cheeks. "Hell, I'm not even an hour away. I'll probably come home to visit every damn weekend." I nod.

That night, I hung the painting on my wall, right over my bed.

The next day, as I watch Jack put his final suitcase in his car, I begin to tear up again. Nothing in the world could've prepared me for how I was feeling right now. Instead of getting in the car and driving off, he comes over to us. He wants to get some final words in.

He starts with Charlie, then Les, then Medda, and then he comes to me.

"Antonio," I choke back a sob. He rarely calls me my full name. "God, what do I even say? We've only known each other for about a year and a half, but I think we've grown closer than ever. I mean, I can talk to you about anything." He ruffles my hair with a soft smile. "Remember when I first ranted to you about my feelings for Davey?" I nod, remembering that dumb grin on his face. He gives me a whole speech before moving onto Davey.

And it was heartbreaking to watch them say their final goodbyes.

As much as they wanted to linger, they had to leave soon. We had to stop Les from jumping in the passenger seat of Davey's car. I notice Jack taking a few deep breaths, looking at the house in front of him. The place where he made so many memories. The place he spent so many years of his life in. I can see a single tear fall down his face as he pulls out of the driveway, Davey right behind him. The four of us wave the two boys goodbye with tears in our eyes. We stand there until we can no longer see their cars. As soon as they're gone, we all get together in a warm embrace.


	77. epilogue

Two years later, a day that I never thought would come has arrived.

My high school graduation.

Many of my friends have already graduated before me, but I never expected to be the one in the black gown and cap. I wasn't planning to live to 18, but here I am. 

I peek into the audience, trying to find my family. They're all here. I see Medda sitting next to Jack. Jack kept his promise, he came back to our house every weekend. Next to Jack is Les, who's a teenager now. He still lives with Medda, Charlie, and I. 

I look towards another section. My friends that have already graduated. They came back.

And then I look around myself. My friends that I'm graduating with. Albert squeezes my hand, pressing a kiss to my temple.

"You ready?"

"I never thought this day would come."

"Me neither. We did it, Racer."

"We did." 

I'm going to Columbia, like Davey did. Specs ended up going there as well. Both boys have said good things about the school. I was so shocked when I found out that I got in, I cried on the spot. I guess my traumatic backstory makes for a good essay, huh.

I was the class valedictorian, another thing that Davey did, and another thing that I didn't expect. My knees wobble as I walk onstage.

Soon after, we get forced into a alphabetical line, and we get called up, one by one. It takes everything in me to not break down in tears whenever one of my friends names is announced.

"Antonio Higgins-Larkin." 

My name. My real name. Not Sofia. Antonio. I take a deep breath as I go back onstage to claim my diploma. I can hear my friends and family cheering for me. Medda's taking a bunch of photos. She does the same thing when it's Charlie's turn.

We get taken outside next, much like we did at Jack's graduation. More speeches, more performances. One last chance to say goodbye.

"Five!"

Tears burn my eyes, but I hold them back. I've always been very good at that.

"Four!"

I think back to everything that has happened since I moved in with the Larkins.

"Three!"

I think about everything that will happen once I go to college.

"Two!"

I put my hand on my cap, which Jack helped me decorate.

"One!"

As the cap soars into the air, I release all the tears and sobs that I have been holding back. As I bend over to pick it up off of the ground, a locket falls in front of my face. My hand flies over my mouth as I sob, running my fingers over the material. Turning my face to the sky, I take a few deep breaths. 

"Hey, look Ma," I sob. "I made it."


	78. credits

And here we are. My first fic ever is officially finished.

Well, I can't say my first fic ever. I've tried to write fics before, but I gave up in the process.

This is the first fic that I've actually finished. And I'm extremely proud of myself for that.

I started this book on November 25th, 2020. I'm now finishing it in January 29th, 2021. This little book has taken up about two months of my time. At times, it felt like a chore. And other times, I'd publish four chapters in one day because it just felt so amazing to write.

But now, it's done. Did I cry while writing the epilogue? Definately. 

Before I officially mark this book as "finished" I want to say a few things.

First, let's start with thank-yous.

I want to give a HUGE thank-you to my friend Ink. Ink has been by my side the entire time I was writing this book. They'd supply me with so many amazing ideas, and a lot of them made it into the final book. I honestly don't know if I could've finished, or maybe even started, this book without Ink. <3

Next, not to sound cheesy or anything, but I also want to give a huge thanks to all of my (currently) 2K readers! And I want to give an extra-special thanks to the people who are constantly interacting with every chapter. I'm talking about the people who are always commenting and voting on my work. You gave me so much motivation to finish this book because your interaction made me realize that people enjoy my work.

Next, I just want to talk about a few small things I love about this book.

•Spralbert with a pining Race  
•The fact that Spot and Albert have matching cartilage piercings  
•Race's gay panic when he first meets Spot and Albert  
•Race's gay panic when Spot and Albert ask to meet him behind the school  
•Race's gay panic.  
•Smalls always making fun of Romeo whenever he makes a typo  
•Les swearing and everyone going apeshit  
•"DOWN WITH THE CIS"  
•The fact that Davey always uses proper grammar when typing, and it annoys the hell out of everyone  
•The fact that Crutchie and Race had a bet over whether Specs and Romeo would date or not  
•Crutchie being pissed when he loses  
•Crutchie screaming when Mathew Morrison comes onscreen.  
•Honestly just Crutchie in general. I love that sassy bitch.  
•Romeo's Disney hyperfixation  
•Race and Davey's bromance  
•Race casually talking about space condoms  
•The fact that Race made cookies for Davey when he was upset  
•The ending  
•The way that Race never took that locket off  
•Every time that i would put "time skip brought to you by..."

As for face claims, the face claims for all of the characters are the actors who played them in livesies, with the exception of Blink and Mush. Their face claims are the actors who played them in 92sies. I don't have actual face claims for Race's parents.

This is it. The ending of Breaking Barriers. I remember ranting to my friends about this fic and how exited I was to write it. Now, I'm not ready to let it go. But I know I would have to someday.

And now, two months and 77 chapters later, I'm saying goodbye to this story.

I hope you enjoyed. Keep on the lookout for more books in the future. I'm already working on one.

This is Mars, signing off.

Love you guys <3


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